[Rumpelstiltskin comes to take first born son]
“Give me what you promised unless you can guess my name”
Here
“Aren’t you going to guess?”
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My neighbors just got new wind chimes. Guess who is going to have their wind chimes stolen tonight?
“Needs to be punchier” — someone who has no idea what they want and wants you to figure it out
Why does Minnie Mouse wear heels? She is the only female mouse Mickey knows. Pressure’s off, girl. Your boyfriend doesn’t even have a shirt.
grandma: more potatoes?
me: sure
*3 hours later*
grandma: *wiping sweat from her brow* more potatoes?
me: *locking eyes* sure
Went to my bosses funeral this weekend. I leaned over and whispered in his ear.
“who’s thinking outside the box now Gary.”
i love police dramas because i’m a big fan of men in rolled up sleeves standing in front of a map saying “all right people listen up” 20 minutes in.
*gets laser eye surgery*
“Thanks doc, so how do I activate them?”
I told you, that’s not what—
*i squint at him real hard but he’s right*
I hope my boss asks me to draw a bunch of cats wearing top hats today cause then I’ll already be done my work and I can leave early
Him: you’d look better if you took your glasses off
Me: no I’ve tried that and I just look blurry
It’s 2014 and somehow we still don’t have a car mirror that can make objects appear exactly as far away as they are.
As a kid in the 70’s when I told my dad I wanted to go to the movies to see Grease, he told me to go look in the lard can on the stove.
Sunday Family Dinner:
Mother In Law: Isn’t that your third glass of wine?
Me: Isn’t that your third husband?
MIL:
M:
MIL:
M: Gravy?
a fun thing to do when someone enters the elevator is to calmly say to them “I was murdered in this very elevator exactly one year ago”
I eat something every 29 minutes just to ensure no one can ever make me go swimming.
You know what? If Argentina wants to cry for me, I’m okay with that.
I never made it as a firefighter. I thought arsonists were people who hated arson, so every time we met one I thanked him for his support
No, I’m not proud to be eating Cheetos with chopsticks but I’m knitting so I do feel kinda smart.
Who called it a scale and not a weigh of life?
Turns out, people will turn around and walk the other way if you hiss like a cat when they approach you.
Why isn’t everyone terrified that Mars is the only planet completely populated by robots?
If someone calls me “boo” I automatically assume they’re trying to scare me.
Murder is like cilantro. You either love it. Or it tastes like soap.
Me: I need to get my shit together
My shit: not today, girl, not today
Flight attendant: Can I get you something to drink?
Me: What kind of gravy do you have?
Me: I might get to sleep in tomorrow!
Kid: Hold my sippy cup…
just found out the nhs had my height down as 88cm instead of 1.88 metres and now wondering if my early vaccine was because they thought i was a short dangerously large man
I’m not saying one of my kids is “more difficult” than the others, but so far my oldest wants a remote control car for Christmas, the youngest wants a stuffed unicorn, and the middle one has requested a dinosaur egg so he can raise and train his own velociraptor from birth.
80’s rap was like being in 5th grade and trying to find words that rhymed with “hat.”
Heyyyyyyyyyyyo lol 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣😏🥴🤦♂️🤷♂️
Girl, did it hurt…when you fell from heaven? *smooshed girl bobs away making accordion sounds*