Fact: Whiskey works for some illnesses because you get the illness drunk and it stumbles out of your body.
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My husband doesn’t worry about me cheating because he knows I hate everyone.
no babe a living wage scares me they’re too big
If you keep pronouncing the L in salmon I going to stab you with my kah-nife
I just saw a guy with the Monster energy logo tattooed on his neck, so if your village is missing their idiot, we have him.
[tree falls in forest]
[doesnt make a sound]
GUY IN CAMOUFLAGE: What the—
TREE: oh shit uhh AAHHHH I have fallen and I can’t get up aaahhh
Hip-hop is 50 years old. It wants you to stay off it’s lawn. And stop playing that music so loud.
We’re going to have 27 people over for Thanksgiving this year. I’m going to earn a little extra money by setting up a paywall on my Wi-Fi.
Very sad to hear about Donald Trump. Nothing happened to him I’m just sad to hear about him
[Pet store]
Boss: “I have to fire you. I know you’ve been stealing puppies.”
Me: “You can’t prove that.”
*My purse starts barking*
Interviewer: and finally, why do you want to become a police officer.
Me: [thinking of all the awesome parties i’ll finally get called to] help the community obviously
[Subway}
ME: Roast beef, please.
HIM: Six inch or foot long?
ME: I gotta ask you something.
HIM: Yeah?
ME: How do you say that without laughing?
HIM: Corporate actually teaches a class.
ME: Wow.
HIM: Yup. You want extra meat, big guy?
Tried to impress her by making martinis but got my hand stuck in the olive jar
Those orcas won’t leave my driveway.
Im tired of being politically correct. If I want to wish someone a Happy Honda Days, I’m gonna do it. I don’t care what they drive, that’s their problem
I apologise for the way I acted when you said the McRib was back and then told me you were kidding.
Marriage goals: I will die of mysterious causes & you will be the most feared widow in the village.
“no animal except humans drinks the milk of another animal” cool, no animal except humans has netflix either, what’s your point
They must have had a really good laugh when doctors realized that thermometers could be taken orally too.
Godspeed to the gal in front of me at the pharmacy getting a Plan B, at-home COVID test, and two Red Bulls.
CASHIER: okay, so your total comes to $13.82, have a nice day
ME (have spoken English literally every day of my entire life):
THANK
Brought a ninja to a gunfight and it was really cool. Everyone clapped. Then they shot him.
Wanna stand off to the side of a golf gallery in a Teletubby costume
Me: One more peep out of you kids and I’ll turn this car around
Son: *slowly excretes a marshmallow chick*
Me: THAT’S IT
Do I just say yes or do I make my group hate me before we even begin this project
We brought home a betta fish, and I’ve officially spent more time deciding it’s name than I did naming the kids
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. She just started a new diet and I brought home half a chocolate cake from the office.
Our baby doubled age in a single day. If my calculations are correct, a month from now she’ll be about 3 million years old.
Finally found a use for one of my old bridesmaid dresses. I feel like the prettiest girl in Home Depot.
The good thing about leading a dull life is that all entertainment seems exciting by comparison. I consider any film where people leave the house after 6pm to be an action film.