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Remember when Saturday Morning cartoons would start to end and the live action shows you didn’t like as much started to come on, but you still half-heartedly watched?
That’s Twitter now.
When there were bear prints in the sand that was bear jesus chasing you
A great way to get a cw to stop talking to you permanently is to start clipping your toenails in the middle of their story
“Christopher! What’s the rule?”
“Don’t eat the Amazon guy?”
“The other rule.”
“Don’t eat the UPS guy?”
“The OTHER rule.”
“Stay off the furniture?”
“That’s right.”
When my boss asked me who is the stupid one, me or him?
I told him everyone knows he doesn’t hire stupid people……
Trying to not lose my SHIT as someone in the office kitchen continues to call Thomas the Tank Engine “Thomas the Train”
if the groundhog comes out without a mask its 6 more months of quarantine
You can tell a lot about a person by how many pet possums they have.
Be nice to people on your way up so they won’t get suspicious when you’re rich and you invite them to your island to hunt them for sport.
The security camera at work has “too many instances” of me acting like a dinosaur on film. And “any amount” is “too many.” According to HR.
Excuse me sir, your feet look very much like mice and I would like to murder them please.
~ my cats
I told the bartender, “surprise me,” and he gave me ice water.
usher: bride or groom
me: just a guest
usher: no which are you here for
me: neither I’m married
I’ve lost my sense of taste! Do I have the CODIV!! Oh, wait, this is a Coors Light.
Maybe the Earth really is flat and we’re just on one of God’s refrigerator magnets.
The only thing you can wish for in this life is that the person you say “I do” to appreciates your Star Trek memorabilia as much as you.
*Me, accidentally knocking kitchen knife off counter*
My foot: I’LL GET IT
My brain: NO YOU IDIOT
911 OPERATOR: 911 what’s your emergency
ME: ok promise you won’t be mad
Tuba = Terrible Underwater Breathing Apparatus
Therapist: Why did you bring a lawyer to a therapy session?
My lawyer: You don’t have to answer that
Dressing up as the grim reaper while at work in the ER is not amusing says HR. So uptight.
Buy a man a tee and he’ll golf for a day. Buy a manatee and you’ll have trouble housing your new pet
DOCTOR: At a guess, how much alcohol do you drink in a day?
ME: Hardly any
D: That’s excellent
ME [swigs vodka] But I’m a terrible guesser
Not sure if I washed the spider down the drain in my shower or if he took one look at me naked and then leapt willingly to his death.
Someone just asked me to fax them my email address. Careful driving folks, these people walk amongst us…
Psychic: Bruce Willis was dead the entire time! I did not see that coming at all.
Me: I’d like my money back.
Wife: Thanks for escorting me to the subway. I feel much safer w/you around.
Me: Hey, if anyone’s going to murder my wife, it’s going to be me.
Just accidentally deleted all my contacts. Best day ever.
Don’t ask me for directions
I got lost on an elevator once.