TSA agent: I’m sorry we don’t allow liquids over 3.4 ounces
me: ok I’ll finish it here [drenches myself with Axe deodorant]
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Fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me twice, shame on me.
Fool me 53 times a day, you’re an Instagram filter.
I don’t like the person you become when I’m on my period.
The internet and tv at my house are both down, what’s a reasonable amount of time to wait before we start eating people
This may be my favorite dog video ever.
Currently the sexiest person in this empty field.
My personal trainer ran out of treats half way through the sess.
A woman at the gym wouldn’t let me wipe down the machine for her after I’d used it. I think this means we’re engaged
Everyone’s been asking me how I would improve shoes. Here is my answer:
Your dating profile said you were a night owl…..eat this mouse.
My wife said she for Lent she was giving up eating meat. I thought she did that after the wedding vows.
I love cheese!
Cheese: I have a boyfriend
If my funeral is open casket my only request is that I have cucumber slices over my eyes.
[creation]
PORCUPINE: So what’s my deal
GOD: Basically a fat lazy rat that eats sticks and your vision sucks
P: WTF dude are you serious
G: lmfao yeah bro
P:
G:
P: Can… I at least be covered in thousands of tiny swords
G:
P:
G: HELL YES THAT IS METAL AF MY MAN
Men who claim to only watch the #SuperBowl for the ads are the same ones who say they only read Playboy for the articles.
If quitters never win, and winners never quit, who came up with, “Quit while you’re still ahead?” 🤔😉🤣🤣
wife *sees chair* [thinking] That would look great with the new rug in the living room
me *sees chair* [thinking] Chair
is it thunder or is someone rolling out their garbage cans to the curb
Was shocked to hear this little girl say she wanted to be a street walker when she grows up until I realized she meant a crossing guard.
My fiancee knows that I would kill for her, and it’s really annoying that she hasn’t asked me to yet.
Drugs CAN make your life
miserable but if you wanna
leave no room for error,
try a Marriage Certificate.
interviewer: would u say ur driven
[cut to my mom waiting in the parking lot to drive me home]
me: oh yes
I’m ready to talk trash, okay who recycles?
Being a parent means when you actually manage to find a pair of scissors they’re mysteriously sticky
ME: I’m so hungry I could greet a horse
FRIEND: “Eat” a horse
ME: No watch this. Hello Mr horse
HORSE: [gives me a taco]
I just spilled my protein shake all over myself and all I’m saying is a donut would never do this to me.
If you gave a million monkeys a million keyboards & let them bang away at the keys all day…then you’d have Twitter.
Apparently, autocorrect wants me to get my shirt together.
“It looks like you’re in the middle of a workout.”
– My passive-aggressive Apple Watch as I walk across a parking lot to my car
My ex claimed I had a ‘hero’ complex, but whatever I think wearing my underwear on the outside of my pants is a bold & brave fashion choice
[Updates Christian Mingle bio]
“Just like Moses, I pay attention to the bush first”“You have 999 new matches”