Remember, kids: If a 200-year old vampire fucks a teenager, it’s “romantic,” but if a 45-year old Muppet fucks a teenager, it’s “creepy.”
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My husband said he wants a blowie for his birthday. I don’t know what he’ll do with this snow blower in summertime…luckily it was on sale.
“PS, I love you” — Me to my PlayStation.
Me googling: why do chickens get to run around with no head but humans don’t?
Google response: Why Am I Single Quiz – Take This Quiz To Find Out
men, throw a woman a curveball today by telling her she should smile less
“Age is just a number”
…so is your credit score, your weight, the balance in your bank account
Running shoes? No, I don’t run. These are my cake gettin’ shoes.
Jesus: so just a dinner with the boys?
Judas:
Me: Do we really have to share my dessert?
Her: Don’t worry, I eat like a bird.
Fred: Take his mask off, let’s see who he really is.
Velma: No Fred, we are in the middle of a pandemic.
Colleagues who feel the need to say “You either love me or hate me!” are oblivious to the fact that it’s always the latter.
I’m so hungry that I can eat a Centaur
uh oh we better all stand up for the old man in the dress who bangs a tiny hammer down or he might decide that we have to live in a cage
If being a role model involves anything before noon, I don’t want anything to do with that shit.
Diet day 1: kale, kale everywhere
Diet day 1.5: snorting powdered sugar off of a Dairy Queen flyer while flipping pancakes
Autocorrect wants to capitalize bacon, out of respect.
Sorry, can’t talk right now. Too busy thinking about how the only part of my reflection I can lick is my tongue.
Goldilocks taught me that you can get away with breaking into a brown family’s home and stealing their food, as long as you’re a white girl.
A bottle washes on shore with a note inside it: “Go swimming, the water’s great! And there’s no sharks! P.S. this wasn’t written by a shark”
[cruising down highway in friend’s car with windows down]
me: [opens bag of glitter]
[holding ur new baby]
Bet I could beat him in Street Fighter
my best friend and i made a pact that if we’re both still single when we’re 40 we will go on a horrifying nationwide crime spree
Made my wife laugh so hard that she spit out her milk so I said, “At least you’re consistent” & the laugh got replaced with a steak knife.
I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my biggest weakness is, I want to say “Leg day at the gym.”
I want my headstone to have lots of typos so I can continue annoying people.
When I can’t afford strobe lighting for my house parties, I just ask everyone to blink in time to the music instead.
Just bought a new umbrella for the person that finds it tomorrow.
Two guys named Noodles and Pancakes are fighting right now.
I will never quit you, Twitter.
I’m tired of conventional beauty standards that say I can’t wear a ski mask in a bank
I believe in workplace drug testing.
That’s why I slipped Ambien and Ex-Lax into my boss’ coffee.
Let’s test which one works faster.
Thoughts and prayers for my five year old who just found onion in her onion rings