A cute bank teller told me he wanted to make love to me in the vault. He’s kinky, but at least he’s into safe sex.
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My neighbor told me to close the curtains when I’m naked, but then I don’t get that cool sensation of pressing up against the window glass
BOSS: you’re fired
ME: is it because I won’t take no for an answer?
BOSS: no
ME: is it because I won’t take no for an answer?
What do you mean you are supposed to breathe while you eat.
[A bengals fan watching Titanic] I can’t wait until the end when Jack and Rose get married
I peeled off the sticker that said “Don’t consume alcohol while on medication.”
I don’t need that kind of negativity in my life.
According to the 5-second rule, if you drop your baby, you can eat it–so long as it’s within 5 seconds.
A ghost appears in the room. It wants to tell me something, but won’t speak. It throws up it’s hands, as if trapped in another world.
Yeah, great. Just my luck I get haunted by a phantomime.
[hospital]
*crying*
Jim it’s your turn to change the baby
*picks up baby*
-Ok brb
*comes back holding a black baby*
-I think they’re onto us
Him: You have such a beautiful soul.
Me: It’s photoshopped.
Turns out that “no tear” shampoo doesn’t stop your kid if they’re already crying.
Which burns more calories? Putting on a wet swim suit or wrestling a sports bra?
the boss has a new hairpiece and i’m trying real hard not to laugh
It’s only a chihuahua if it comes from the Chihuahua region of Mexico. Anything else is just a sparkling mouse.
Wonders if chickens do the funky people.
Autocorrect changed ‘strip’ to ‘syrup’, and honestly, I don’t know which club I prefer.
me: somebody stole a painting. they broke in, disabled the alarm–
detective: okay I got the picture
me: wow that was really fast
at its core, Harry Potter is a beautiful story about the value of having a hot mom
INTERVIEWER: What would you say is your main strength?
ME: I think it’s pretty obvious
INTERVIEWER: Right… And you made that ninja turtle costume at-
ME: At home. Yes
Listerine: ‘I kill 99.99% of the germs that cause bad breath!’
Germ: ‘So you’re telling me there’s a chance!’
[Preparing for a heist]
Boss: Whoa! You brought in new guys? They aint gonna squeal are they?
Me *with a gang of doves*: Naw man, they coo
My 4-year-old asked me what my name was when I was a kid and she was not ready for the wild coincidence when I told her I was also named Kristen as a child
COP: “Sir, do you know why I pulled you over?”
ME: “It was way easier than solving a murder?”
Do you smoke after sex?
Person looks down…”I don’t know, I never checked.”
*Pearly Gates
St. Peter: No way!
Me as angel: It’s the rules!
SP: But the drugs and sweari-
M: ALL DOGS GO TO HEAVEN!
Snoop: Fo’ Shizzle.
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the strength to shave my legs.
What animal do I respect most? The octopus. I have no idea what to do with my hands most of the time, and I only have two of them.
If it’s the thought that counts, I’m a serial killer
“What do we want?”
“A compilation album!”
“What shall we call it?”
“Now!”
What this place needs is a revival of the narrator tweets.
Narrator: No, that’s the last thing this place needs.
I should run for public office just to see the scandalous dirt they dig up on me. I would really like to piece together my twenties.