[cocktail party]
BARTENDER: *pointing at me* Mai Tai?
ME: no, it’s mine…it came with the suit.
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Offered my daughter $30.00 to help me get the house clean for our bbq tomorrow.
She hired her younger brothers for $5 each to do her work.
🤦🏻♀️
ME: *takes wife’s hand* you know I’ve wanted to have children for 3 years
WIFE: And I’ve told you *removes hand and sits back* we have to keep them forever
If I show you a picture on my phone and you start scrolling, I’m gonna stab you.
GEICO: customer service, how can we help?
ME: I’ve been in a car accident
GEICO: ok are you in a safe location?
ME: *looking around bank vault I crashed into* how did you know?
A lady just walked into Taco Bell, dumped every hot sauce packet in her bag and left. I should follow her. What’s the rest of her day like?
My elbow watching me do a full skin care routine on my face.
Sun Tzu: to beat your enemy you must become your enemy
Me [overweight; hungover; eating breakfast ice cream]: way ahead of you
“Your guess is as good as mine”, I lie, knowing that my guesses will always be superior.
[Wizard Starbucks]
Barista: I have a tall white chocolate mocha for Ron
Voldemort: [visibly upset] excuse me I’ve been waiting for an hour on my triple shot soy latte w/light foam and no one has called my name yet!
Elmo: Elmo says this just him coping
Oscar: I don’t care, it’s morbid and- oh hey Bert
Bert: Ahem *nods to jar under arm*
Oscar: Hey Urn-ie
when cоvid is over “mask off” will be the #1 song in the world and then we will finally understand why his name is future
The person in front of me paid for my coffee and I had to do the right thing, so I ordered a donut also.
The printer is only printing blank pages, and it’s like it can read my mind.
CHRISTMAS INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Buy presents.
2) Pretend you could afford it
3) Pray the apocalypse arrives before your credit card bill does.
Adding “and shit” to the end of a sentence to make it sound cooler and shit.
We get it, cacti, you have great biceps.
It’s amazing that every single kid on the planet is cunning enough to know that “I’m thirsty” has the best odds of delaying sleep. Think about it–between dinner & bath water they’ve had PLENTY to drink. Over time they’ve played every card & independently found the ace of spades.
Me: 46 and out of shape
Also me: Looks around for NBA scouts any time I make a basket
in second grade there was a new girl in my class named Treasure and her parents were hippies. i remember thinking hippies weren’t that bad. and then i met her little sister Tammy. they gave up on cool names after ONE kid! don’t be Treasure’s parents
My walk of shame is leaving a handicapped restroom stall while trying not to make eye contact with the wheelchair guy who was waiting on me.
Wait …
“El Chapo” is a Mexican drug lord ….
and not the guy who’s been stealing
our Chapsticks for years ?
I just wrote that it has already been an exceptionally long eeek and I don’t even feel the need to correct it.
I knocked over a display at the grocery store and managed to get myself in both a pickle and a jam
I really showed that Rubik’s Cube who’s unemployed.
[kidnapper hands wife phone]
“brent”
BABY IM COMIN *kidnapper takes back phone but she can hear me yelling* IS THE HAM IN THE FRIDGE EXPIRED
“The name is Bond, Ja-”
– “Savings Bond?”
“No”
– “Chemical Bond?”
“NO!”
– “Autobahn?”
“You know you’re totally ruining this for me”
a gaggle of geese, a murder of crows, a genocide of seagulls, a holocaust of toucans
What kind of monster makes ultrathin cheese slices?
Why do New Yorkers constantly think New York is the only place that has things?
The outburst I had at JoAnn’s Fabrics is not reflective of who I am.