All I’m saying is anyone who thinks it’s a great idea to buy a black car with black leather seats, needs to make sure they test drive it on a 104° day.
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The homework is due on Monday.
“Can I get an extension?”
The homework is due on Monday.png
Everyone has that one friend they’ve known for years and still have no idea what they actually do for a living but it’s too late to ask
TV lead me to believe grave digging would be a lot easier
God *creates dinosaurs* these are perfect
Dinosaur: Are you dino-sure hahaha
God *creates asteroids*
I did errands without my phone and it took 6 days, 17 hours and 59 minutes less time.
Me: Why did I walk in this room?
My brain: Not sure but here’s a song from 2005 I’m gonna play on repeat for the next 10 hours.
if you ate peanuts out of those bowls on bars in the 80’s or 90’s you’re a little gross for doing that but you’re also immune to pretty much every virus or disease ever
Me: *Holding a fist full of lit sparklers* How much for the aggressive incense?
billy joel: *nervously* w-we didn’t start the fire
smokey the bear: *lowers gun* ok good
I miss early 2000s movie naming conventions
I don’t want to brag but I can still fit into the same clothes I wore an hour ago.
Acid rain is total bullshit. I stood in it for hours and didn’t even hallucinate one time.
Fancy dinner party invitation didn’t explicitly say NOT to wear Spider-Man costume, sheesh, everybody relax FFS
Sick of people telling me to “calm down” and “release the hostages.”
My kid: Hey mom, do we stop growing when we get older?
Me: *with a mouthful of mashed potatoes* Not in my experience honey
If you rub two sticks together fast enough, you’ll eventually start a widespread panic on the subway.
“I took care of your clown problem.”
I had fruit and yogurt for breakfast.
And 6 donuts for second-breakfast.
A little bit of rain and everyone forgets how to drive. Saw one guy try to start his car with a pancake.
My 5 year old just hugged me and said, “Thank you for promising to sleep in my bed with me tonight, Mommy” and that’s why you don’t answer any questions before coffee in the morning
colleague: do u like the clown from IT?
me: nah he never fixes my computer
My kids are starting to ask questions that I don’t know the answers to so I’m going to have to trade them in for dumber models.
Him: Let’s make another baby
Her: WTAF??
Him: Yes
Christmas day for delusional middle aged men who live online
ME: I’d like to buy some underwear.
CLERK: Satin?
ME: No, new please.
My boys are all taking a week break from electronics. This morning I introduced myself to them and showed them around our home. then I took them outside and showed them the big bright light in the sky.
If there’s a line between right and wrong, I likely snorted it.
fun fact: scientists discovered years ago that dogs and cats could actually talk and converse with humans, unless their human turned out to be super duper boring
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
I ordered a toilet seat from Amazon and now based on the ads I see they must think I have an insatiable toilet seat addiction