any boring old meeting can become a seance if everyone works together
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I missed going to the gym today.
So that’s 20 years in a row now.
ME: [blowing on ouchie] That’s better
SURGEON: How did you get in here
Me: *Gets my kids the exact same thing to avoid arguments*
*argument ensues*
1995: oh cool, an online book store
2025: “please scan this qr code and take a brief survey in order to flush your toilet”
Why do porn sites have a share to Google+ option? I don’t want my friends knowing I use Google+
Me to my toddler: Listen up, small human. Here are some farm animal sounds you should learn to prepare you to climb the corporate ladder.
*holds flashlight under chin*
“…and then the typo appears, AFTER you hit send!!”
*everyone screams in horror*
[Halloween]
Lady: what are you this this year?
Me: *dressed as a phone battery meter* I’m at 10% and it’s only 7pm.
Lady: *faints*
CONGRATULATIONS
It has been
2̶4̶ 0 days
since you last stepped in cat puke.
After eating this cereal for 30 years I am still neither lucky nor charming.
Army ants must REALLY hate boot camp.
GIRLFRIEND: If you’re asked to say grace at Thanksgiving again this year, what do you say?
ME: Thank you Lord for the food we are about to receive.
HER: And what do you not say?
ME: *sigh* Wham bam thank you yams.
When my girl was five I was reading to her from a little book about George Washington.
Me: As a boy he liked to ride horses and fish.
Her: He liked to ride fish?!
It’s been nine years but in my mind he’s still riding that big beautiful fish.
Curiosity gave the cat slightly high blood pressure but nothing to be concerned about.
“Can I maim myself with it?” – my toddler’s mental checklist before deciding to play with something
I forgot the word for stylist and called it looksmith.
For Sale: Wedding Suit, worn only once by mistake..
Employee: You know what’s neat?
Me: Whiskey in a glass without ice?
GOD: Sharp pincers
CRAB: Thats dope
GOD: Hard shell
CRAB: Hell ya
GOD: Delicious legs lmao
CRAB: Wtf
Me: my grandfather was George Washington
Date: don’t you mean your great great great great great great grandfather
Me: i mean he was okay
Reverse cowgirl because first dates are awkward.
Me: “Hey bud, do you want to pick out a new fish after school today?”
5yo: “Yeah. Are we going to order it on Amazon?”
Me: “No, we’ll go to the pet store.”
5yo: “Oh. Do THEY order it on Amazon?”
If you leave our home after a visit we will stand on the porch and wave until you drive out of sight because that’s how we were raised, by maniacs.
2nd month dating: A thousand lifetimes with you would not be enough.
2nd month of marriage: OMG you are the loudest cereal chewer on earth!
HER: What’s your cell plan?
ME: Bodily decay over decades until inevitable mortal collapse. You?
HER: …
ME: …
HER: … V-Verizon.
You strike me as one of those people who show up and debunk all the fun in the last 2 minutes of an otherwise scintillating UFO TV program.
When you’re feeling nice so you stop and get a couple dozen donuts for your crew. But then you gotta leave em in your car until the gravy sucking ingrate non reciprocating 1st shift crew goes home so your crew can actually eat them.
[Infomercial for Parachutes]
“Has this ever happened to you?” *showing footage of a man getting thrown off a building, screaming*
Son of Sam I Am, a serial killer who targets people who won’t try new foods.