I think we’ve officially regressed back to medieval peasants. All we do is bake bread, revolt, and avoid plagues
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He died doing what he loved: typing his symptoms into WebMD instead of going to the doctor
“Don’t play with your food,” I say to a toddler eating crackers shaped like farm animals.
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Always amazed when I see people slip guns into the back of their pants. How is that comfortable? How do you not get a weapon wedgie?
Neighbor: I don’t drink coffee it makes your teeth all yellow.
Me: Throws holy water in her face.
*Neighbor melts
Me: Not today Satan.
When people try to play games with you, simply choose not to play. Unless it’s Naked Twister. Never turn down Naked Twister.
just once i’d like to lay in bed nude and drink a cup of tea without an art class trying to paint my portrait
Some call me Mike while others call me Jesus Christ, Mike.
[Concert]
Singer: ARE YOU ALL ENJOYING IT?!!Everyone: YEAAAHHHHH!!!!
Me: ᶦᵗ’ˢ ᵛᵉʳʸ ˡᵒᵘᵈ
Fun new prank: Walk into a busy restaurant and call out the name of a rare Pokémon.
*bites zombie*
(on a first date knowing women like it when you ask questions about them) what the hells wrong with you
It’s 2018, and Benjamin Button is still writing 2019 on his checks.
Nothing makes me more stabby than when my husband ignores me and starts talking to the dog.
STOP talking shit about F•R•I•E•N•D•S
Rachel is KIND
Monica is NURTURING
Joey is CONSIDERATE
Phoebe is TALENTED
Ross
Chandler is FUNNY
Just cleaned my room 7 months ago and it’s dirty again.. this is bullshit
ME: You’ve put on weight
DRACULA: No I haven’t. Prove it
ME: When you fly, how many bats do you turn into?
DRACULA: [deep sigh] A shitload
Had a dream I went to the chiropractor in a shirt that showed some of my back.
Chiropractor: Do you think you have a fungus on your back?
Me: Do YOU think I have a fungus on my back? YOU’RE looking at it.
wife: What’s wrong?
me [annoyed that my toddler broke the yellow crayon and now I can’t color the duck on the kids menu] Nothing
8yo: What does Dad do for work?
Me: Why don’t you ask him?
8yo: He told me to ask you.
Me: Well played. Well. Played.
Big Bad Wolf: I’m here for the cookout
Three Little Pigs: We’re not letting you in
Big Bad Wolf: This blows. Heeeeyyy, wait just a minute!
I don’t give a damn what the horoscopes say, get you a girl born in February. Amethyst is one of the cheaper birthstones and if you play your cards right you can do one of those Birthday-Valentine’s Day combo celebrations.
You say lobotomy like it’s a bad thing.
Prop Manager *checks gun*
“There are real bullets in here.”Rookie prop assistant: “Yeah we are out of fake blood.”
Me: I’m gonna get you dressed.
3yo: cool I’m gonna make it as hard as possible for you to do so.
Me: cool.
3yo: cool.
Wife: I just heard something downstairs.
Me: It’s just the wind.
Wife: Go and see.
Me: You can’t see wind, Claire.
sloth [finally arriving at his prison cell]
prison guard: ok you’re free to go
*Myself at the doctor*
Is this test absolutely necessary?*Taking my dog to the Vet*
Whatever test is necessary, spare no expense.
i don’t miss calls i stare at them
friend: what’s the difference between ignorance and indifference?
me: I don’t know and I don’t care