Americans sure like Star Wars for something that immediately forces you to read
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Me: how many bears do you think we could fight as a family
Wife: none you idiot
Me: oh
*growling from closet*
Wife: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE??
You know you’ve leveled up after quarantine when your kid’s friends hear your fire alarm blaring through their headsets and say, “it’s ok, his mom’s just making dinner.”
First person to eat a banana: this is not good
First person to peel a banana: dude guess what
Cool thing about LA is that I get to meet dogs who are more successful than me.
My eldest is at the age where she’s starting to ask questions. Tonight she started asking about Father Christmas. My wife calmly took her to another room to answer, leaving me with her younger siblings. We couldn’t hear so I still don’t know what’s up. Hope Santa is OK
the human. who snuggled. my human. the other night. is here again. BUT. this time. however. they brought. my fren and i. treats.. we approve
[feeding baby Malaysian food]
“Here comes the plane”
*makes plane noises**spoon just disappears*
Classic German Shepherd 😂
Before any important social event or engagement I like to lightly spritz myself with a bit of hollandaise
there is nothing more wonderful than the laughter of children, except possibly my own laughter when I’m chasing them off my lawn while swinging a 2×4 with a nail in it
I don’t like to say “bless you” when someone sneezes because I don’t know if they’re religious or not. So instead I just say “I hope you never do that again”
5yo to 3yo: Clean up these Legos or I won’t get to play on my iPad.
Yeah, my 5yo is gonna do great in middle management.
Her: you know what really makes my mouth water?
Me *slowly closes the menu* salivary glands
Wife: Did you take out the trash?
Me, who is Steven Seagal and I just finished teaching some punks a lesson: Oh I took out the trash alright
Wife: The trash in the kitchen
Me: Oh that…no
As the zombies swarm, I ask for one last selfie. By the time they realise their dead flesh won’t activate the touch screen, I’m long gone.
My kids devour food so quickly that my fridge has been broken for two months and nobody realized.
I’m a staunch supporter of something, I’m not sure what that is, yet. I just wanted to be staunch today.
I’m thinking about starting a car service for dogs called the Scooby D’uber
The priest said that the demon really wants to leave, but I’m way too clingy, so the exorcism didn’t work.
Husband: Do you want to go for a run today?
Me: *drawing a giant pumpkin on my stomach* Nah, I’m good.
An unexpected perk of having pets is when the cat throws up on the couch; the dog jumps in to handle the cleanup.
My ex-girlfriend had weekly lessons with the devil on how to become more evil. I still don’t know how much she charges him though
avoided the guys with the white uniforms and human sized nets again so yeah it was a decent day
[gf falls asleep during a movie]
ME: aw
[i get a blanket]
ME: *hitting her w/ the blanket* wake up ur missing the part with gollum’s riddles
Doctor: Congrats! It’s a boy. What are you gonna name him?
Me: *throwing up*
Doctor: Ralph it is then.
Had a yard sale to raise some much-needed cash. I really miss that yard.
Dealing with your ex before driving across town in traffic is great for the blood pressure…
My son’s favorite meal is what he calls ‘mommy toast’ which is when I make him toast but I have to pretend it’s for me and he steals it off my plate
Following a series of poor personal decisions I now owe the ferret mafia six grand and my only way out is to be the driver for a meat heist planned by a squirrel dragged back in for one last job, assisted by a weasel nobody trusts. Not even the stoat bagman.