WHAT DO WE WANT?
AN END TO AUTO-CORRECT ERRORS!
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
COW!!!!
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How much do you want to bet that the inventor of the Lazy Susan has an ex-wife named Susan?
I wish I could just drop my body off at the gym and pick it up when it’s ready.
“I do law stuff” – attorney general
“I serve as the chief legal adviser to the Crown and the Government”
– attorney specific
Really mean guy at the golf course called me a 4 and then hit me with his golf ball 🙁
Life Hack: If you carry around a 14 inch kitchen knife, almost everything is free.
My friend is trying to quit his addiction to marathons. He’s in a 55,000 step program.
“Where do you get your ideas?” he said.
“Same place you do,” she said.
“No, seriously-”
“And I go early so I can take all the best ones.”
I consider myself a loyal person but not dog of a homeless guy loyal…
“I’m telling you, it’s all or nothing,” the exterminator explains to Noah, “I can’t just leave 2 woodworm. It doesn’t work like that.”
Girlfriend: hey babe you wanna get breakfast and go for a run?
(Cut to me with a mouth full of Doritos)
Me: I have shin splints
[Batman’s parents return after 40 years]
Surprise!! Wait, wtf are you wearing?
I’ve seen people tear a phone book in half with their bare hands & I just had to use scissors to open a bagged salad.
Ate at w pho restaurant and based on my waitress’ facial reaction I’m not sure if I asked for a fork or killed her entire family
I asked my daughter to make me a Pinterest board of what she’d like to redecorate her room and I just opened it up to see nothing but a bunch of pictures of people holding fistfuls of cash
As soon as I finish building this trebuchet, I, too, shall be a flight risk
*playing with a ouija board at a cocktail party*
Me: Is anyone here with us?
T E L L T H E S E P E O P L E T O
U S E A C O A S T E RM: Oh my god! Mom!
Saint Waddle is the patron saint of pancakes and ducks. She loved to flip the bird.
GF: …I’m pregnant
ME: *holding a 10-piece chicken nuggets box that actually has 11 nuggets* I’ve also got some pretty big news
For my new tattoo, I’m totally getting a chest piece of a chess piece, cause its fun to be a pun.
What idiot named them twins instead of wombmates?
If empaths don’t exist then explain how we know so much. For instance I can tell right now that you’re frustrated with me and you think I’m stupid
My sixth grader told me this morning that when his homeroom teacher calls the roll, all of his classmates decided that instead of saying ‘Here!’ or ‘Present!’ they will say ‘Against my will’.
I wanna get a job at a grocery store & whisper, “Don’t fuckin touch that. You fuckin put that back, ” to every customer who grabs something.
Thanks for always acting surprised by breakfast in bed like you slept right through the great pots and pans avalanche of 6:45 AM.
My tinder profile says I love dogs but then on dates I elaborate that it is hot dogs and corn dogs
The pilot’s been taxiing to our gate for 20 minutes, so apparently he landed at the wrong airport and we are driving the rest of the way.
Cop: Why are you speeding?
Me: I’m super late for work
Cop: Ok, I need you to slow down
Me: Sorry. I’m…..super….late….for……work
My 4yo is asserting dominance by calling me by my full name. I don’t like where this is going
Homeless people are so lucky. They don’t have to pay rent and can eat as many pigeons as they want.
No one goes to target because they need something. You go to target and let target tell you what you need.