Me: So, what do you look for in a guy?
Her: Someone tall.
Me: I’m over six feet.
Her: Someone who likes to travel.
Me: I’ve been to Japan.
Her: Someone with a steady job.
Me: I’ve been working since 1954.
Her: You’re Godzilla, aren’t you?
Me: What? No… *Eats a train*
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When I dropped your baby, that was traumatic for me too. Maybe think about my feelings for once.
I threw a dart at a map to pick a vacation spot and shattered the hell out of my phone screen.
Not wearing glasses anymore. I’ve seen enough
cabbage patches are bullshit
i gave up cabbage easily without them
hot take but IMO the internet was better when it was just dorks and social outcasts. after they let hot people on here everyone got all weird
I want to die of natural causes like being stabbed to death by a rainforest.
ME: and what are we going to do next time?
7YR OLD: you’re going to let me know in advance before you shave your beard
M: and for you?
7: I’m not going to scream “STRANGER! DANGER!” or call 911
Helping my daughter study for her geology exam, and apparently ‘hard’ ‘classic’ and ‘punk’ AREN’T the 3 different types of rock.
Who knew.
I was the president of the fencing club in high school. We only met once, and then the cops found all the stolen property.
Relationship status:
My neighbour/girlfriend was kidnapped but she’s ok now, I was caught.
Valentine’s day is just about a month away so if you’re in love with me, now would be the time to speak up.
Her: For once I’d like a man to just sweep me off my feet.
Me: *slowly ties Karate Kid headband around forehead*
You strike me as one of those people who show up and debunk all the fun in the last 2 minutes of an otherwise scintillating UFO TV program.
My ex gf came from the land down under, no not Australia, Hell.
Husband: Your too much of a perfectionist. I want a divorce.
Me: (through tears)”you’re”
Boss: Any takeaways from the client meeting?
Me: I got his stapler and two rolls of toilet paper
Virgo: Sometimes you eat the bear and sometimes the bear eats you. Good luck on your next hike.
My kid told me it was too sunny outside and for a moment it seemed like he wanted me to do something about it
If you don’t stop holding those grudges they’re never going to learn to walk on their own.
You have a better chance of being struck by lightning than going to McDonald’s when the ice cream or shake machine is working
When driving: *shakes fist at pedestrians*
When walking: *shakes fist at motorists*
When running: *shakes fist at the murderer chasing me*
It hasn’t rained in so long that the grass resembles shredded wheat. So maybe I should just add milk instead of water…
7YO: Can you buy me a Ken so that Barbie can date him?
Me: Here just use this Captain America
4YO: (tearing into room) HE CAN’T DATE YOUR BARBIE HE’S BUSY GIVE HIM TO ME
If you didn’t get called to a meeting with your 5-yr-old son’s principal because he was inviting girls to his “naked party,” you aren’t me.
The cool thing about fall is that you completely forget your windows are open when you start losing your shit.
Like, “Hey everyone. Please enjoy the sweet sound of dysfunction radiating from our humble abode.”
*phone rings
15: I hope it’s him!
*phone rings
25: hope it’s about the job
*phone rings
35: (handing phone to stranger) i died. tell them
🦝🔥🦝🔥
Greeting humans vs their dogs
I keep a pocket DVD player, loaded with The Neverending Story, paused on the scene where Artax drowns in the swamp of sadness. In case I overhear someone say “that’s the saddest thing ever!” and need to show them why they’re wrong