On Halloween I’ll be handing out full size bars of really bad advice.
Only while supplies last.
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Is it cheating to ask the Ouija board for Worlde answers?
OMINOUS CHANTING
*pentagram starts to glow*
YES! RISE DARK LORD! RISE!
*Satan tosses pillow through portal*
UNGH 5 MORE MINUTES!!!
Pearly whites? I assume you mean my legs.
Pot smokers like to say it’s safe because it’s natural. Other safe natural things include sunburn, poison ivy, and being eaten by a bear.
I told the 8 clowns in a tiny cop car to “clown arrest me! Take me to clown jail!” And they did. Bail has been set at 150 banana cream pies.
WIFE: omg Will Smith’s son, Jaden, is dead
ME: where’d you see that?
W: Facebook
M: I’m pretty sure that’s a hoax
W: no Facebook is real
mugger: YOUR MONEY OR YOUR LIFE
me: My best friend will protect me
mugger: Haha, right-
[my dog appears spinning dual nunchucks]
Remember: You can kill someone and wear their skin as a suit, but it’s not identity theft until you use their debit card. Be smart about it.
Wife: Why can’t you just say phrases correctly?!
Me: Well aren’t you a ray of sunscreen.
ME: let me try a yo-yo trick
DOCTOR: *cutting my child’s umbilical cord* no
Him: Can you pay? I left my wallet in my other pants.
Me: You have other pants and you wore those?
Wait. I thought I was watching Hoarders. Looks like things are heating up!
Mix it up a little. Start answering calls from unrecognized phone numbers with an angry “If this is about the marmot again, I swear to God someone’s going to pay!”
Him: You’re pretty saucy
Me: *wiping face quickly
But this spaghetti is soo good
Accidentally pronounced wifi as “wifey” and the hotel concierge said the password’s helping out around the house and being a good listener.
Netflix and awkward silence?
Me *tries to open website*
Captcha: Prove you’re not a robot
Me: How
Captcha: Live an emotionally fulfilling life
Me: can’t I just click on a box
Show yourself some self-love.
No. Not in public.
Just got a splinter from a 100 year-old bed frame and damn that MFer was really playing the long game
From now on when people come up to me while I’m pregnant and say, ‘looks like you’re getting so close now!’ I’m just going to start saying ‘you too!’
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Me: Daily
Dentist: *Pulls fully grown centaur from between my 2nd and 3rd molars*
7: are eggs vegetables?
10: no! and they’re not fruit either, they’re children!
CEO: what’s the store layout
me: sick people will walk to the very back for prescriptions
CEO: ok
me: cigarettes will be right up front
CEO: first of all I love it
My husband asked me yesterday what I would do with my time if money was no object, and apparently “buy out a Target and sit on top of my hoard like a manic-depressive dragon” was an incorrect response so idk.
When she’s rage-cleaning the house, I help out by waiting until she starts to lose momentum before asking her what’s for dinner.
I thought $3 eggs 🥚 were a lot
Until a saw a small bag of pistachios at the Airport going for $18
Netflix and you sit over there.
My phone died at the gym and I had to do the elliptical with zero entertainment like the pioneers did in the olden days.
Dogs: I could vomit on the vinyl floor but this carpet two inches to the right seems better
I stapled her tongue to the desk for humming Ke$ha all day and I really think the HR guy isn’t listening to my side of the story.