A classic…
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Ex: will you take me out for my birthday?
Me, grabbing my pistol: I thought you’d never ask
i physically cannot make a spotify playlist without adding every song i’ve ever liked. i’ll start one called “sad :(” and it’ll end up with temperature by sean paul on it
Edward Scissorhands is the story of someone who can’t help cutting and poking holes in everything he loves. It’s about a cat.
Say “excrement” instead of “excellent”. Nobody will notice because people really don’t listen for shit.
Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Clark Kent: kryptonite
Interviewer: right, what’s your kryptonite?
Clark Kent: ohhhh I see what you mean. Chips and salsa
I want to give away free lab coats on the streets and turn our city’s homeless problem into its crazy doctor problem
Every machine is a smoke machine if you operate it wrong enough.
Scissors Commercial:
*Montage of people karate chopping paper in half*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there was a better… Nevermind that was rad
[I see a bug outside] Nature is marvelous
[I see a bug inside] This must be the deliverer of my death
Squid Game is so captivating because it’s about man’s greatest fear: being told to find a partner to team up with for a project
Flushing my dead goldfish down the toilet. I am kicking this addiction for good
Her: *uses quarantine as an opportunity to learn Japanese and crochet*
Me: *uses quarantine as an opportunity to perfect my cereal to milk ratio*
Currently the sexiest person in this empty field.
The Magician told me to “Pick a card!! Any card!!”
So I took his Visa
It’s OK to pet him. Buffalo are gentle creatures.
(Final maths exam)
Q: what are the two small horizontal parallel lines?
a) double negative
b) equals
c) eleven fell over
I’m never not disappointed when a woman says she’s going through “the change” and doesn’t become a transformer
There’s an owl calling for its mate outside my window, maybe I should go out and try that too
I just spent 15 minutes searching for my phone in my room, using my phone as a flashlight…
Sure it was spent alone in a desert hut, but Obi Wan basically wore a bathrobe for 19 years and I have nothing but respect.
My wife took me to the most amazing 3D movie I had ever seen last night. Half way through it I realized: we were at a play.
I just want to find a supplement that takes me back to my 22 year old body, skin, and hair. So magic. I’m looking for magic.
[high school]
ME: *getting stuffed in my locker* jokes on you buddy, I have snacks in here
My 5 year old son just asked “what if we put a slice of turkey in the DVD player and it played a movie about the turkey’s whole life” and none of the parenting books I’ve read have prepared me for this question.
Yup.
Darn, my 250 million years old salt has expired.
just shot off an email a split second before I realized I said “lick the link below”
My son is petrified of thunder. I told him that is ridiculous, it’s the lightning that will kill him.
I turned on my computer and it went “Word” and I was like “Yo”.
9y/o: Are you mad at me?
Me: Not at all…Why would I be mad at you?
9y/o: I thought you might be mad bc I broke the picture in my room.
Me: What picture? I didn’t know you broke a picture?
9y/o: I’m just so glad you’re not mad at me.Well played, sir.