I won’t get excited until Twitter adds a button that lets me correct mistakes in other people’s tweets.
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I guess it’s time to start acting my age. Seriously when I was born, the Dead Sea was just sick.
Picked my kid up from a playdate at a pristine home and the mom said “excuse the mess” so I guess that’s the end of that friendship
Sorry I screamed in terror when you showed me that pic of your offspring. She’s a very lovely whatever the hell she is.
I’m going to bed and my hair looks amazing; I feel like the woman in every mattress commercial.
I can’t stop laughing 🤣
me: just tell me what to do
universe: *gives me a clear sign*
me: well that could be for anybody
I recently purchased some really good kitchen knives so now I have to stock up on bandaids because I clearly don’t know how to use really good kitchen knives.
My wife just opened a bottle of wine so my chances of getting laid just went from 0 to 750ml.
[doing crossword]
Me: emphatic no; five letters
Wife: neverMe: pistol; three letters
Wife: gunMe: disgust; three letters
Wife: ughMe: charity; four letters
Wife: giveMe: female sheep; three letters
Wife: eweMe: Pixar movie; two letters
Wife: Up
No, give me the blue mittens for shoveling. The red ones are for scandal.
Hey guys who are angry that women are taking a stand against cat-calling, stop with all that scowling, you look so pretty when you smile!
Accidentally left my shopping list on the kitchen bench so had to rely on memory. Came home with a tub of icecream & a pony.
Cats always have an expression like they ordered 2 of everything on Amazon with your credit card while you were at work.
Patient: I’m going to miss you. If I need anything how do I reach you?
Me: Pentagram and a dead goat
Yep. Yep. Yep. Yeppity. Yep. Yeppers. Yep.
We’ll see. I don’t know. But, for sure! Maybe.– me receiving an invitation of any kind
The most disappointing sentence in the human language is “This next song is off of our new album”.
Much like the giant panda and the snow leopard, the 20-something white girl without a wrist tattoo is now an endangered species.
Her: Let’s play doctor.
Me: Ok. That’ll be $500.
I was not ready for the 70yo couple at the doctor’s office go from ones concern for the other’s low blood sugar to screaming at each other about talking too loudly. Right next to me in an almost empty waiting room.
Just watched a woman outside of the UPS store yell at another woman, “GO TO HELL, MARGARET!” Margaret looked absolutely scandalized. As if this was the first time someone told Margaret to go to hell. As if.
I love when a company announces it “parted ways” with an executive, like they wistfully waved goodbye to each other at a foggy train station, instead of the guy being marched out the door by security with a box in his hands.
I get it crossfitters, if I did that I’d be angry, too.
No Auto-correct, I never meant “Relationship Goats”.
I’m in the other room and I hear my 3yo shout, “In your face, poop”. Then the toilet flushes. I would give anything to get that excited about pooping again.
I love the originality of Jack-in-the-Box’s marketing. Name one other fast food chain with a clown for a mascot.
USA is broken. Can we use USB now? 🤔
ME: Good date?
FRIEND: Ok. Until he got undressed
ME: Then what?
FRIEND: [sticks out pinky finger]
ME: Ah. Then he drank tea in a fancy way
Me: Damn. Another gray hair. *plucks it*
Old man standing next to me: Ouch!
Don’t advertise “All You Can Eat” then drag me out kicking and screaming with fists full of shrimp.
I’m just a MAN standing in front of a DOOR because I thought it was AUTOMATIC