wife: What’s wrong?
me [annoyed that my toddler broke the yellow crayon and now I can’t color the duck on the kids menu] Nothing
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I have started a band called Free Beer.
When people see our sign ‘Free Beer Tomorrow at 9PM’ I’m sure everyone is going to be there.
My skin is so dry it’s doing a PowerPoint presentation
I like the murder hornets. So sick of all the negativity.
called my horse mayo cause mayo neighs
Don’t tell me I’m not spontaneous. I didn’t plan that nap at all.
I don’t take Advil when I get my period. I need to feel all the not pregnant.
I treat going to a therapist like going to a mechanic. “So, It’s been making some odd sounds and I’m sure it’s on the verge of a breakdown.”
By the nervous look on his face I thought my boyfriend had an engagement ring hidden in his hand but it was just a stranger’s bra.
Whew.
“I like to get off on the right foot.”
“Wow. That’s a VERY specific fetish.”
“That’s what” – She
Now that I’m 40, I’ve had to change my safe word to ‘my knees! my knees!’
COP: let’s see some ID sir
ME: *hands him the little sticker from my lemon*
COP: this ain’t gonna cut it bud
ME: fine *hands him the lemon*
Son: *carrying damaged produce*
Me: Drop that sick beet!
Me: I’ll see you in court!
Waldo: will you
interviewer: what are your strengths
me: when i was little i drew a picture of a beer so good my mom put it in the refrigerator and an hour later she tried to drink it
interviewer: what about weaknesses
me: my mom’s a mess
[on the phone with wife]
Honey, who do you like better, Hulk Hogan or Jafar from Aladdin?
“Tell me why.”
[winks at tattoo artist] No reason.
I’m drawn toward women who are beautiful when they are angry because once we start dating that’s how they’ll look 90% of the time
beware of dog
judge: 99 yrs
me: is it cos i called ur gavel a justice hammer?
judge: no that actually helped
me: killing then
judge: yeah the killing
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
Old men’s pants creep higher & higher up their waist into their armpits.
At the end of their lives they’re just a pair of pants with a head.
The difference between kids and prison is that in prison they let you read.
“How do you speak with an American accent?”
“Well, imagine vowels killed your parents, and you’re out for revenge.”
The thing about human relationships is that one person can be so overcome by a moment while the other person is thinking about KFC…
NEW ROOMMATE: What’s mine is yours.
[30 seconds later]
NEW ROOMMATE: I need my wheelchair back.
Me: Do the dishes.
10-year-old: That’s the worst possible thing you could say to me.
Me: Do the dishes all week.
If you’re worried that you added too much cheese to the recipe I am here to reassure you that you did not
My kid told me the book we were reading was fiction, and the reason he knows that is because dragons don’t eat tacos, they eat meat
uber driver heard me singing along and changed the station…