OnlyAcquaintances: you pay me $5 a month so i can message you “hey lets get coffee soon!” and we never get coffee
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My parents are happily celebrating their 50th anniversary. “That will be you and me one day,” I quietly whisper to the gym membership I can’t cancel.
A trailer of The Exorcist comes on.
Non parents:
Aargh I can’t look.Parents with kids who don’t sleep:
Ah a film about bedtime
Strange
Waiter: What dressing would you like on your salad?
Me: Ice cream
Finally, a month dedicated to nut allergy awareness.
A group of guys with ponytails is called a flock of Steven Seagulls
People who replace “Christ” with “X” are missing the whole point of what the ChristBox 360 is about.
Toddlers be like, “excuse me madam that’s my emotional support Walmart receipt.
Nobody can turn an omelet into scrambled eggs quicker than me.
[if you can make a girl laugh you can make her do anything]
*makes a girl laugh*
me: can you do my taxes
There will be no screen names left for our children’s children.
My daughter asked me why my grandfather was a racist, and if she has to become one too
I said it was because his parents didn’t raise him properly, and he was ignorant and full of hate
As she walked away crying I realized she was asking me how he became a race car driver
How disappointing is it that Han Solo didn’t name his son ‘Guitar’
I’m at the age where my mind firmly believes I’m 29, my humor suggests I’m 12 and my body possibly died in the Civil War.
Fired from my job as an autopsy technician for repeatedly asking “are you gonna eat that?” during the procedures.
If I ever have another kid I’m just gonna name it Audacity since that seems to be the specialty of the humans I make.
Please, by all means, call my landline. I’ll reply with a postcard attached to a helium balloon
I should probably wait a few days to drive my new F35 to work, huh
[being murdered by neighbor]
*I pretend not to see him so I don’t have to make small talk*
[Inventing the escalator]
Engineer: What if the stairs could eat you?
9: Can I sleep with you?
Me: Why?
9: Had a dream about the Lullaby Lady.
M: Who?
9: An old woman with no skin on her hands.
M: Why do you call her that?
9: Because she stands next to your bed and hums while you sleep.
M: Sure, just let Daddy put the house up for sale real quick.
Relationship status~ Siri saw my browser history & now she isn’t talking to me either
when someone rings the doorbell
Him: Let’s make another baby
Her: WTAF??
Him: Yes
* shows up with flowers
Wife: Are we going to the hospital?
Cop: Ma’am, Are you intoxicated?
Me: Are YOU intoxicated!
Cop: No
Me: Prove it!
Cop: *puts handcuffs on me*
Me: I like where this is going.
i don’t know who needs to hear this but you can totally just buy an ink stamp that says CLASSIFIED and stamp it on whatever you want
People found guilty of not using punctuation deserve the longest sentence possible.