What idiot called it a national anthem instead of country music?
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the uber app should have what songs the driver’s playing
She says talking to me is like talking to a kid.
Therapist: And how many years has this been going on?
*holds up 6 fingers* This many
No, whenever there’s trouble YOU seem to be around…officer.
here’s my dating advice. Take your date to go-karts. everyone loves go-karts. I just solved your life. you’re welcome
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s kinda like a drink but with lumps in it”.
I brushed my teeth without watching in the mirror and now my eyebrows are clean.
me irl
had 2 glasses of wine about to text him “can I ask you something” and then turn my phone off til tomorrow
kool-aid man: you’re grounded
kool-aid son: I hate you!
kool-aid man: don’t you dare g–
kool-aid son: *uses door normally*
I’m a kid at heart, an old man at my joints and dead at the pancreas
SNL labels their bathrooms comic relief
You know in the first “Austin Powers” when Dr. Evil tells the therapy group about his childhood? I can deliver that bit of dialog verbatim from memory.
Interviewer: Um…yes, well I’m not sure that would be particularly useful in a hospice facility.
My god, horses chased me for 5 minutes.
Most terrifying carousel ride ever.
Saying please to a toddler is like being polite to a tornado.
you’re suing Gatorade because you mixed red and yellow and it didn’t taste like orange?
me: not even a little bit your honor
Did I save this free pizza promo code or did it just save me?
My neighbours probably think I’m getting laid, but these are just the sounds I make whenever I take my socks off.
*donates body to science*
Science: “I have a boyfriend”
So we’re agreed: if that balloon flies over any of us, we moon it like it’s 1978
I called a chai latte a “chatte,” and my husband laughed and said that was “actually funny,” and it’s nice to have him finally recognize my genius.
You shouldn’t underestimate the number of places that you can’t put your finger after you’ve been chopping chillies.
Just saved my overly curious wife from the US Government right as she was about to Google “where do cannibals get their meat?”
the battle rages on
WIFE: Do you think men and women are just hardwired differently?
ME [drinking a bottle of shampoo]: *bubble noises*
Just so u know guys I literally covered my roommates bed in 324 pieces of cornbread 2 make it a “cornbed” so ur fakes puns mean nothing 2 me
Daughters wanted to show support for me so they wrote out, “I LOVE D!” and – adore them – but THAT’S gonna get an immediate course correction
I hug people I hate so I know how big I need to dig the hole in my backyard.
Gym instructor: It’s never too late to start working out.
Me: Fantastic! I’ll start tomorrow.
Oh, you like Thanksgiving?
Name 3 pilgrims.
so people are okay with batman wearing a cape but when i do it i “need to put my hospital gown on the right way”