Quit doubting my abilities, I can drive with one hand and crash the car with the other…
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Saw an article on Facebook that a local bank was robbed. It had one like. They should probably look at that person as the robbery suspect.
WIFE: So, is Elon Musk an alien from another galaxy? ME: Nah, an alien would have a name made of random human sounds. Wait
I have been draining my waterbed since 1981.
don’t like how strawberries have their seeds on the outside. kinda freaks me out. put a shirt on u little weirdo
*seductively peels off lederhosen
My kitten runs away when the kids come near her, and now I’m mad that I never thought to try that myself.
The best thing about wearing socks all the time is being able to clean coffee spills without lifting a finger.
I don’t do drugs. I take drugs. My brain does the drugs. Follow me? Me either -because drugs
me: you’re only giving me this job because i’m your husband, this is nepotism
wife: shut up and take the trash out
I’ve verified my own account.
It’s utter crap ✔
*signs into Skype meeting with very important clients*
*tries to sound incredibly intelligent*
*gets attacked by moth*
*falls off chair*
Bite me again
– my bottom lip
Other kids growing up wanted to be a cowboy or a spaceman. Me, I wanted to be a hippopotamus.
And I’ve still got time.
Just killed an ant and I feel like for the sake of gender equality I need to kill an uncle now.
Cheer up! Your biggest mistake is probably still ahead of you.
[at the gym]
Body builder: how much can you curl?
Me: *smugly* I can do a 9 inch ribbon
Condiments that would be cute baby names:
Dijon
Sriracha
Cholula
Caesar
Aioli
Wasabi
Tabasco (Tabby for short)
Honey Mustard
Job interview…
HR: On a scale of 1-10 how would you rate your maturity?
Me: 69!
HR: I hate this job.
“The Shining isn’t a Christmas movie” shut up there’s literally snow in it
Michael Cera pretending to read the nutritional facts when his dad catches him struggling to open a jar of pickles
I’m no expert but a Brazilian sounds like a whole lot of bras
interviewer: and how many years of experience do you have being a sandwich?
i love the concept of an encore. the band leaves the stage and the crowd is like omg wait you haven’t played your three most popular songs yet! and the band is like “beg”
Keep your friends close and your enemies wrapped in plastic ready for that long drive to the desert.
[describing robbers to sketch artist]
Make his ears more lethargic. That’s better, now flare his nostrils like he’s excited about a sale.
happy birthday to me. i am 25.
Guy cut me off & I shouted, “you are unable to pleasure your wife. OR HUSBAND.” Cause he needs to know I’m angry, yet progressive.
I always fear that oneday I will enter my house and find a thief, knocked out unconscious by the things fallen on his head from some closet
MAN: What are you doing?
ME: [pointing gun at lake] Fishing
MAN: No way will-
SALMON: [walks out of lake with fins up]
I threw a boomerang yesterday and it didn’t come back. How long do you reckon before it’s safe to turn around?