“I’m married to a raving lunatic.”
– Actual quote from my husband, yesterday, confiding in our neighbor’s golden retreiver.Joke’s on him. That dog tells me everything.
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Why did the cup of tea I made you explode in your face?
I used Michael Bay leaves.
I’ll leave.
The darkness in me is making me sneeze.
*Giving TED talk*
Me: *points at guy* sir, reach under your chair!
*he does and a mousetrap snaps*
Me: trust no one
*audience claps*
Just found out that umbrellas open up. I always wondered why my rain stick never kept me dry. We never stop learning do we.
When I die, I’d like my coffin to be filled with Reese’s Pieces so on my headstone it can say “R.I.R.P.”
First Obama came for my guns. Then he came for my knives. Then he came for my dinette set. Then he redecorated the whole place. It’s lovely.
*trimming my nose hair in the mirror
You sexy beast.
Not only are used coffee grounds a great fertilizer, when shaped and baked they make excellent biscuits for that cunt of a dog next door.
[after winning scratch off ticket]
*makes it rain 3-ply toilet paper*
My Dad always used to say “Into each life some rain must fall.”
Lovely man, terrible roofer.
Dating a drug dealer in ur early adulthood is absolute necessary character development
Me watching someone get cooked by the timeline for an opinion i agree with
Would it kill the makers of avocados to put a different toy inside?
ccaannnn ssommmeeonnee ttelllll mmmeeee hoowww ttooo ttuurnnn tthiissss ffuckkinnng vviibbrratttoorrrrr ooffff
When people put pics of their vacation on FB I write: I saw fire trucks outside your house but I’m sure you already know, have a great time!
My insurance company said if my tent is stolen while I’m camping, I won’t be covered.
PSA: If your kid bumps into me one more time with your shopping cart I will unhinge my jaw and swallow him whole.
Day 126 with no sex. I’ve lost hearing in my right eye
Brain: Too much to think about to sleep.
Me: But I have work tomorrow.
Brain: I don’t care-
*alarm goes off*
-okay you can sleep.
The best part of being a bomb technician is that you can never have a bad day at work
The worst part of being a bomb technician is that you can never have a bad day at work.
Not sure how to cuddle propawly
📹 absolute_kaos1 | IG
Bang me like a vending machine that cheated you out of a snack.
Costumes are wasted on halloween. I wanna sit down for Christmas dinner dressed like a giant bug.
I just raced a Smart car. He barely beat me, but that’s only cuz I stopped to tie my shoe.
You can literally be in Autozone and your kid will still want something. WTF you want a alternator?
Mom: Want to come over for dinner?
Me: No thanks, already ate
Mom: What did you have?
Me: Peanut butter
Mom: With?
Me: Spoon
I know there’s a lot going on right now in America but my husband just used one of the good towels!
Before marriage: fantasizes spending life together.
After marriage: fantasizes spending life insurance alone.
If I close my eyes while my 3 year old pours her cereal I can hear the relaxing sound of thousands of Cheerios raining on the floor.