Clothes shopping with my 11 y/o daughter when she declares she would love to dress in more bright colors but “at the same time, I’m a messy eater.” It takes many years for some people to reach this level of self-awareness.
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dog: [watching me take a shit] awkward, isn’t it
[making octopuses]
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: no
EARTH:
SUN: please dont
EARTH: 🎶you-
SUN: seriously dude come on
EARTH: 🎶spin me right round
SUN: *sigh* 🎶baby right round
EARTH: 🎶like a record baby
SOLAR SYSTEM: 🎶right round round round
if I get married all my bridesmaids are going to be bats
Maybe Jesus went black, and that’s why he isn’t coming back.
I used to weigh eight pounds and could only get around if others carried me, but all it took was one frosted cake a year to change all that.
I tried to make a smoothie for lunch. Apparently, three frozen pizzas will break a juicer.
if cupid went bow hunting would the deer population increase or decrease?
A snake comin out the ceiling?! It can have the house
[Watching halftime show]
ME: I hope I look as good as Jlo when I’m 50.GIRLFRIEND: You don’t look that good now.
ME: Yeah I’m not 50 yet.
[texting mom]
u were right, my interviewer wasn’t crazy about the lucky binky
handsome & gretel
My husband and I like to do sweet things for one another. He might switch out my agave for antifreeze. I might cut his brake lines.
For eggplant your guests will love, lightly brush with olive oil, toss in the air and blast that bad boy with your ankle piece.
Hairstylist: so one of your sisters knows how to knit, crochet, and sew and the other one is an amazing cook/baker. What do you know how to do?
Me: Buy stuff
Saw a Fed Ex driver screaming out the window of his truck “we da real Santa Claus.” New York is the best.
Standing outside your window holding an economy-size bottle of ibuprofen above my head.
the small child points to my head and chants, i want a balloon, i want a balloon, but changes her tune when i let my head float free
Mario: YAHOO!! *throws banana peel at another cart, eats a mushroom*
Me: This. This is why I don’t take you grocery shopping.
I call a spade a “spade.”
I also call a horse a “horse” and a pencil a “pencil.”
When it comes to calling things by their names, I am no one to be trifled with.
a guy just bought my red bull for me at the gas station so i think we’re married now.
(Little Red Riding Hood but instead it’s me dressed as the grandma)
Little Red: Grandma what bad tweets you have.
Me: Okay what the
I love when I wake up to sunshine and birds singing and good coffee and I think it’ll be a Disney day but then I open Twitter and realize I’m only in act one of a horror movie
My band in the 80s was the Sex Poodles. We needed Snoop Dogg.
“You’ve got a friend in me.”
– Cannibals, probably
“Help! I can’t get my jogging trousers off!”
“We’ll have to perform an emergency trackybottomy”
You don’t know fear until you cough out a tampon nowhere near a bathroom.
Hydrate the goths. No government stands a chance against hydrated goths.
So many people say “if my memory serves me correctly” and I’m actually quite shocked at the amount of servants named Memory…….