Squirrels: 1,538
My dogs: -17
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shoutout to whoever hacked my doordash account and sent $140 worth of wingstop to my address instead of theirs
When I said, “I would sell a kidney for it”, what made you think I meant mine? Hold still.
I’m not the kind of man who runs after women…….
But, I can walk.
Dog knew jumping the last level was a waste of energy…🐕🐾😅
Just saw a car with “Just Married” on the back window. Do people still do that? Get married, I mean..
*repeatedly tries to explain Sisyphus to classmates who have apparently never heard of him*
I wish you guys could get how ironic this is.
I have two selves:
One wants to be skinny and my jeans to fit. The other is a fat, hungry monster who would murder her own grandmother for a butterfinger.
(burglar breaks into my house)
me: Reginald, kill!
pet caterpillar: *scooch scooch scooch*
People who say “Money doesn’t grow on trees” don’t understand the paper making process.
On vacation, I ask the concierge to stand outside the shower and ask me random questions so I can feel right at home.
People that say, “If you already have a couple of kids, what’s a couple more?” have obviously never had four kids.
Take this time to do something creative!
– learn to paint
– play some songs
– write that book
– no wait your book is too similar to the book I’m trying to write
– stop you’re a faster writer than me!
– universal is already inquiring about movie righys?!?
– it’s a trilogy?!?!?!
Birds of a feather flock together, as they are racists too.
My son hasn’t clocked that his little sister has a birthday almost exactly 9 months after his. He was a complete bellend at his 6th birthday party so me and his mum got rotten that night and ended up making our lives even harder.
Grey’s Anatomy is actually one of the best existential horror artworks ever made. It chronicles the 20 year desperation of a single woman – Miranda Bailey – to get her coworkers to stop ***king and killing themselves for long enough to save anyone’s life. She never wins.
daughter: there’s a monster under my bed
me: why do you think that?
daughter: because when i stick my foot out of the cover the monster grabs it
me: [to son] have you been hiding under your sister’s bed?
son: *sighs* yes
me: did you see a monster under there
Having another child is like finally learning how to juggle hacky sacks and someone throws in a bowling ball.
This is a special tweet. Only people who are sex deprived can read this tweet.
“if you had to pick only one musical group to strand on a desert island, which would be the most appropriate to do that to?”
“maroon 5”
Me: somebody stole my stapler
HR: you’re working from home
ME [giving a PowerPoint presentation]: *points so hard*
Chopped: College Edition.
“In your mystery basket: Ramen Noodles, coffee, crippling debt, a worthless degree. Chefs, you have 30 minutes.”
Date: what do iguanas eat?
Me: no idea, why?
Date: you’ve got 5 of them
Me: 2, those 3 are dead. I told you, I’ve no idea what they eat
At an Italian restaurant for dinner with my 5 yo. She got visibly annoyed that the parmesan cheese wasn’t coming out of the shaker fast enough, unscrewed the cap and dumped a mound on her plate. And just like that she already embodies the spirit of women getting sh*t done.
Yeah, I use She pronouns.
But not like a girl, like a boat.
[walks in to UPS store holding rabid raccoon]
Hi my boyfriend said he wants to take a break so I’d like to ship him this please.
*rolls over to your desk on chair*
So what was in that browser you just quickly minimised?
If the kids are so noisy from the backseat you can hear them above the music, it obviously wasn’t cranked up loud enough to begin with.
*I see my life flash before my eyes
*it pauses to buffer