I never knew how fast I could write until the teacher said pencils down.
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Flex on your toddler when they piss you off by asking them what sound a giraffe makes
Daughter: Do you think Freddie Mercury and Edgar Allen Poe would get along?
Me: Huh?
Daughter: Cuz he’s just a Poe boy from a Poe family.
* on a date snuggling *
Me: Did you enjoy dinner?
Her: Yeah, but now I feel fat.
Me: Get your hands off my belly.
Day 5 of self quarantine:
My all hamster version of The Sound of Music has hit a snag because Maria ate three of the Von Trapp children
Am I capable of premeditated murder?
Your honor, I’ve been planning my cheat day for two weeks.
“Sure Chief, you can join us for dinner this year. But in the future, you’re gonna need reservations.”
-Pilgrims, at the first Thanksgiving
boss: can i see u in my office
me: [putting on camo jacket] i guess we’ll find out
Me: Are the bowling trophies included?
Realtor: Haha
Me: …
Realtor: …no, they aren’t
Me: I’m not interested then
[F*R*I*E*N*D*S]
ROSS {barging into Monica’s apartment}: OMG Rachel and I were walking along the San Andreas Fault and it opened up and swallowed her!!
MONICA: How could you let that happen, Ross?!
ROSS: WE WERE ON A BREAK
I am having fish and chips for lunch.
*pours Pringles and Goldfish Crackers into the same bowl*
A cop just yelled at me and took away my glow sticks. That’s the last time I go to a search party.
First date the man should pick up the bill. In the absence of a bill look for William instead.
I bet the kids in Mrs. Doubtfire were surprised when found out their nanny was famous actor Robin Williams the whole time.
my ex boyfriend’s cousin’s girlfriend just followed me from her alt Instagram account . I’ve still got the juice 😎
To be fair to Justin Bieber if I had more than $75 I would act the way he does
ME: you really put the cute in executione-
WARDEN: alright hit the switch
A Vampire Bat is easy to spot due to its funny accent and little silk cape
Gave my 8yo $20 to buy a Hawaiian souvenir so he found a seashell on the beach and spent the money on ice cream.
you visit my house and within moments i offer you strawberry shortcake. you decline but i put an entire cake on the table and begin cutting it. you are confused. it takes me 45 minutes to eat the entire thing alone and we do not speak
When I worked at McDonald’s, if you ordered a 20 piece chicken nuggets you actually got 32. I hooked up everyone unless you were annoying
I was on a date with a girl and she said “did you notice my finger nails?” And I was like “yes” and she was like “well I have no arms”
Thanks for using our drive through. Please park over there and wait 20 minutes and someone will bring out 85% of the stuff you ordered.
When I was a kid I thought 40 was really really old and now I’ve discovered I was right.
If ya’ll had let everybody eat the Tide Pods when they wanted to they wouldn’t be out here licking the ice cream.
Dating is a win-win. If things go well, you eat food and fall in love. If they don’t, you still eat food and that’s all that really matters.
Showering at a woman’s house is like being at an open bar for conditioners.
Your name is just a compromise. It’s the one both your parents didn’t hate.
Can you write off a divorce as a home improvement expense
Sin?
I thought you said gin.
*shrug*
Either way, make mine a double.
Ask your doctor if your dominant hand is right for you