Me: Damn i really need to do my essay
Also me:
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5: are there people coming tomorrow?
me: no why?
5: well you guys cleaned the house
Being goth is hard. The curse on your boss is not working. Ravens are impossible to train. Deodorant marks on your black clothes. Ugh.
{Heaven}
ME: Hey, why didn’t you answer my prayers?
GOD: I did. Every time you said Goddamnit I damned it.
ME: Oh, no, that’s just—it’s like a saying.
GOD: Why would you even…I damned so much stuff!
4-year-old: *finds Nerf gun* Dad, I’ll shoot you!
*tries*
4: I can’t get it. Can you shoot yourself?
She’s not the first to ask me that.
[a mass poisoning of football players]
detective 1: I think there was mercury in the Gatorade
detective 2: Johnson, this is no time for your stupid astrology mumbo-jumbo
Me)Print
Printer)No
Me)Print
Printer)No
Me)PRINT
Printer)No
Me)PRINT!!!
Printer)Here’s 8,000
caveman: I’ve invented the wheel!
hamster: finally!!!
Please accept this lovely parting gift as our way of encouraging you to leave.
[Scooby Doo at an interview]
Interviewer: May I see your CV, Mr. Doo?
Scooby: *hands CV over* Rrres you may!
Interviewer: Round here we call it a CV.
I’m gonna keep wearing a mask after this pandemic is over. I can’t go back to worrying about how my breath smells like Doritos and garlic and coffee.
Subtle cannibal alert: people who call their friends “peeps” around Easter.
I’m not positive,
but I think when you say you’re “over” something,
YOU STOP TALKING ABOUT IT.
My boss asked me for a brief word. I said “underpants?” and we laughed and laughed and I’m clearing out my desk.
My wheelchair keeps making a screaming noise when I run over people.
This guy would have upwards of 50k followers on this site, and his tweets would be absolutely insane
GF taking me on a surprise V-Day getaway. At least I think. Not sure what the lime and shovel in the trunk with me are for though.
How to parallel park:
1) Park somewhere else.
I just watched the girl next to me google “lack toast and tolerant symptoms”
Symptoms: you have no toast but it’s totally tolerable.
Sometimes I wonder what people without kids do with all that free time. I bet they sit and stuff.
1997: *waits 5 minutes for dial-up internet connection*
2017: MY CAR’S VOICE DOES NOT PLEASE ME
If you drink 8 glasses of water a day and exercise for 30 minutes a day there’s pretty much no time for anything else in the day.
Movie idea: Channing Tatum and Chris Hemsworth are called on by the US government to take their shirts off and punch people who read books.
My husband and I are looking for someone to play the harmonica while we have sex, no weirdos please.
*drives motorized scooter into meeting I’m late for, around the conference table, and out the door*
My safe word is “insufficient funds”.
He’s eating a burger and fries all nom nom nom and I’m over here eating a salad all non non non.
This can never not be funny 😭😭
Pretty much the only time I WANT to hear about your ex is if she’s standing behind me with a weapon, other than that I’m good.
Women in romance books: I know I just met him 3 days ago but I am in love with him.
Me: We’ve been dating for 8 years and I guess I like you.
me [as a robber]: What? You wanna case the joint AGAIN??