had to make it
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I’m starting to think the guy offering to check for lumps inside his van was not as legit as his cardboard certificate claimed.
“How many volunteers do we have for my evil army?”
384 my liege
“Ok, round them up”
400 my liege
Britney Spears’ Slave 4 U is trending on Christmas Eve just like it did that magical night in Bethlehem thousands of years ago. God bless everyone.
Nothing’s more infuriating than opening the in-flight magazine to see the Sudokus already half-done, in the colors of your rival Sudoku gang
listed 911 as my emergency contact because, nice try, i know how emergencies work
Please don’t block me 😂😂😂😂
When I make my first million, Im switching from 2 ply toilet paper to white bread.
Sorry, I’m in a hurry, lets talk while we walk… You go that way.
Toys R Us went out of business because their mascot was a stupid giraffe when it could’ve been a toy dinosaur called the Toysaurus. It was right there man.
“Can you cook dinner tonight?”
Can’t. New meds say I can’t operate any heavy machinery and that stove doesn’t look light
When my girlfriend makes me angry, I look at her through the fork and pretend she’s in jail. It heals me spiritually
amazon prime: select delivery window
me: *types* the bathroom one
The three genders
Prisoner:*strapped into chair* Flip the switch & fry me.
Guard: Oh, we’re not electrocuting you…
*college kid w/ acoustic guitar walks in*
I’m not drunk enough for this
*gets drunk
I’m too drunk for this
BOSS: This is hard to say…we need to make cutbacks
ME: What’s so hard? “We need to make cutbacks” See? Piece of cake
BOSS: Getting easier
{Thomas Edison prank call}
Is your refrigerator running?
“Yes..”
YOU’RE WELCOME!
*click*
Relationship status: It’s not complicated I’m just an idiot
Him: You smell nice. What is that?
Me: [twirling my hair] Cough drops
Don’t ask me! I’m 48 and still refer to it as a Choo-Choo Train.
Vader: I’ll teach you the Death Star’s power
Leia: By blowing up my planet?
Vader: By showing you a PowerPoint presentation
Leia: NOOO!!!
old timey fellow: i say have you addressed your pants falling down problem?
inventor of suspenders: indeed good sir i’ve hung them from my shoulders.
judge: do u swear to tell the truth
me: dare
judge: what
me: i choose dare instead
judge: [whispering to bailiff] is that legal
AVOCADO: Hello I’m good fat
BACON: *lights cigarette* *punches avocado*
[skydiving with my dog]
Me: ur ears r inside out
My dog: can’t hear u my ears r inside out
Me: it’s the wind
My dog: I think it’s the wind
Dude (seeing girlfriend use eyelash-growing serum): I need a ton of this before my high school reunion
[at reunion]
Classmate: You have spikey black hair? I’d heard you’d gone bald
Dude: Just temporarily (his head blinks)
Wife: I’m thinking of taking the kids away for the weekend
Me: All of them?
Wife: Yes, both kids
Me: I meant all of the weekends
Wife:…..
Woman on bus just pulled her mask down to cough.
I shake my bottled water so the H’s & O’s are evenly distributed.