My grocery store keeps rearranging the produce section. If I need to work this hard to find bananas, there better be a damn tropical breeze!
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The 2nd amendment gives us the right to bear arms and the 8th amendment gives us the right to horse legs
[montage of me giving-up]
If someone asked me to describe myself in one word, I’d say, “nope.”
I remember when people had the common decency to not look at you while you’re staring at them.
After a long day of weeding, I just sat down in the grass to drink some water. Suddenly I felt unnerving crawly sensations on my backside. Christ, I didn’t know “ants in your pants” was an actual thing!!! 🐜
ad for jk rowling’s fantastic beasts and where to find them:
wat if harry poter was pokemon
*puts crime-scene photos in a rocket*
Ok stand back
“Detective, what are u doing?”
What does it look like, I’m launching this investigation
Husband: Can you turn on the hose for me?
Me: Sure {awkwardly starts removing clothes}
Am I…am I about to fight these bagels?
If you’re having a bad day, it’s because Mercury is in ketosis.
me: alexa what happens when we die
alexa: you get taken to the hospital for multiple stab wounds where you are pronounced dead and your wife is eventually found innocent of murder due to evidence tampering
me: wait what
alexa: what
My phone got an “extreme cold” alert that said to check on the elderly, and like 5 minutes later the kids next door checked on me. Brutal.
A hot guy at my job asked me if I had any plans and I told him 15 because I thought he said plants
I went for a job interview and the manager said, “we’re looking for someone who is responsible.”
“Well that’s me,” I replied. “In my last job, whenever anything went wrong they said I was responsible!”
I’ve never protested anything before but dude when I found out that pigs have like 300 nipples bruh, I was mad as hell. I made a sign for my yard about it, you know, and I stopped eating pigs milk man I didn’t touch pigs milk for maybe a month.
GF (from 2nd floor window): either the trampoline goes or I go!
ME: It
…was
…nice
…knowing
…you
SON: I lost a tooth. I’m gonna leave it under my pillow.
ME: *paying bills online* I’d wait
me: I plead the 3rd
lawyer: the third amendment is you can’t be forced to quarter soldiers. the fifth is you can’t be compelled to act as witness against yourself. did you mean the fifth?
me: I mean I kinda don’t want to have to do either
Driver: My God… that weasel…
Onlooker: He just went… “pop”…
Weasel’s family: *sobbing*
Ice-cream man: I’ve got an idea for a song y’all.
My mom said if she’d known grandchildren were so fun she would’ve skipped a generation so I loaded the kids with candy and left them at her house.
I accidentally left my speech to text on while walking my dog, this is the transcript:
*speed dating bell rings
Me: Why are you breaking up with me?
My sister got a job as the assistant to an incompetent magician and now she’s my half sister
I just know I will die trying to pet something I shouldn’t.
[on deathbed – calls for son]
“…..if you highlight the shit out of a document, people will think you read it…..”
Taylor Swift: Now we got bad blood.
Lab Technician: Damn it Taylor I told you to refrigerate that!
Nature’s first bud, spring is in bloom
Doctor: Are you getting enough exercise?
Me: Define “you”
sensitive skin
Me: I’ll never get married again!
Husband: