Everyone romanticizes the past until they get horribly sick and wake up covered in leeches.
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Nothing says “till death do us part” quite like a prenup.
commercial: 2 out of 3 people suffer from depression. talk to ur doctor today
me: [hurriedly phones doctor] hey do u suffer from depression
Never tell a woman you’re infatuated with her. All she’ll hear is “fat”.
everyone picked up a quirky new habit during the plague i started blaming the sun for everything
Purse Rules:
1. My wife agreed not to buy designer purses
2. I agreed it’s not a designer purse if I don’t know how much it costs
9-1-1 help, someone buried me alive *looks at phone* christ, and there’s no wifi
Me: So, what was the issue?
Plumber: You had hundreds of Q-tips clogging your toilet.
Me:
Plumber:
Me: *sheepishly* I ran out of toilet paper.
A white American told me I shouldn’t call myself “British” because brown people aren’t native to Britain.
A white American
White. American.
DEVIL: And this is the lake of lava that you’ll be spending eternity in.
ME: Actually we’re underground so it would be magma.
DEVIL: This is why you’re here you realise.
Everybody keep your fingers crossed for me today.
Nothing’s happening, I just like bossing around internet strangers.
coworker: what do u think happens after we die
me: when I die, nothing
coworker: what about when I die
me: I get arrested
My neighbour won’t stop talking about his Rolex and I can’t believe someone stole it tomorrow
I have a nice body. It’s out in the trunk.
My Husband objected to a question I asked in court and we are on the same side if you wanted to know how fun it is to work with your spouse.
BREAKING NEWS: Today I used a piece of wood that I kept in my garage since 2006 in case I might need it.
4yo does not want to go to school anymore, she wants to be homeschooled
I told her I will homeschool her this week and then she will go back to school next week. She’s delighted!
(There is no school this week)
If I found out I had six months to live, I would get fat enough to shut down a water slide
Me: I want a never ending spoon of Ben and Jerry’s
Genie: done
Ben Affleck and Jerry Garcia: why are we hugging this guy
Me: shhh
Dating tip:
Walk up to a girl in a club, smile, look into her eyes, take her hand and walk away. If she wants her hand back, she’ll find you
“Hi Mr. Holmes, I hear you’re the world’s greatest detective and I’m calling because there’s been a murder… I’m at the 79th annual Butlers Convention… Sherlock? Are you still there?”
me: Hi it is nice to meet u. I am Jeff
date: Are u reading off notecards
M: Yes sex at ur place sounds gr-wait crap these are out of order
4: Water!
Me: Ask me nicely
4: Actually, I’ll get it myself
No thanks, toilets that flush.
-kids
*guy shows me his Chinese character tattoo*
“It means wisdom”*I show him a Batman BandAid on my arm*
“It means I was brave at the doctor”
On the 9th day of Christmas my true love sent to me 9 ladies dancing, 8 maids a-milking, 7 swans a-swimming, 6 geese a-laying, 5 GOLD RINGS, 4 calling birds, 3 French hens, 2 turtle doves & a partridge in a pear tree
Hope the dancing hasn’t made the ladies hungry; birds all eaten
5: Mommy, you’re a BOSSY YELLER who makes people CRY.
My mother, to 5: Yes. She’s always been that way.
My toxic trait is putting my black phone down on a black surface for “just a second”
7 thoughts u have when buzfeed steals ur content
-WTF
-OMG
-Huh
-FAIL
-LOL
-NOPE
-why is a multimilion dollar website riping off my twiter
joel is coming over
“eerily quiet joel or joel who alwayes forgets about social events?”
[4 hours of silence]
i…. i dont kno