*cop approaches me*
“have u seen this girl?”
*holds up photo*
“yeah I’ve seen her, NAKED”
*hi-5*
“haha but seriously shes in my trunk”
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My son just said, “Peace on Earth, goodwill to men,” and shot me in the face with a Nerf™️ gun.
Him: You can’t give the cat treats right after he tripped me on the stairs. He’ll think it’s a reward.
Me: It is.
Trouble brewing at Symphony Hall. It’s the bottom of Beethoven’s 9th, and the bassists are loaded.
A magic eraser, but for my bar tab.
9 out of 10 archaeologists agree, the 10th one should not have uttered incantations to unlock the cursed bonds holding that Sumerian daemon
Sadiq’s joke in today’s Time Out 👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼
One time i watched a movie where al pacino played a cop & then i watched another one where he was a real estate salesman & then another one where he was a union leader & i was all, like, “haha, can this guy NOT hold down a job?”
The only way a “staycation” sounds good is if the rest of my family takes a “leavecation”
my 6yo: guys?……can i do anything i want with this brownie?
my husband and i: ………👀
6yo: like eat it with a potato chip?
*synchronized sigh of relief*
Her:
Me: Am I in trouble?
Her:
Me: I’m in trouble.
Her:
Me:Bad?
Her:
Me: Bad
Her:
Me: Toilet seat up bad or wrong name during sex bad?
Her:
Me: Calling a lawyer bad?!
Her (taking out ear buds): Are you talking to me?
My doctor told me to avoid unnecessary stress, so I stopped going to doctors.
I bet squirrels walk at a leisurely pace when no one is looking.
[Commercial for babies]
*100 year old woman trying to feed a brick a bottle of milk*
“There’s got to be a better way”
My husband won’t let me pick up wood at Home Depot because he doesn’t want it scratched or bent but I can take care of his children daily.
Iron Man’s cat is a Fe lion
HER: Wow, look at all the presents! How did you afford it all?
ME: I used Kohl’s cash.
[police burst through the door with Kohl]
KOHL: That’s the man who mugged me!
We’ve got to stop looking at legumes and thinking “I could milk that”
normalize slapping the phone out someone’s hand when they use speakerphone in public.
[God creating burps]
Ok, that’s gross, can we make it come out the other end?
Angel: yes sir
O-M-G! Hahaha! Do it again! Hahahaha! Dead!
The worst thing about dentists is they put that paper bib on you but they never bring you lobster.
i enjoy video games because they let me live out my wildest fantasies, like being assigned a task and then completing that task
Dash light: “0 miles to empty.”
Me: “Bet.”
So lemme get this straight. Han Solo can understand Chewbacca just fine but at age 900, basic English grammar still goes over Yoda’s head.
My brain considers names irrelevant information.
Every time I meet someone new and they introduce themselves, my brain just goes “nope, that name goes in the bin”
Me: “hey what time do you want to eat dinner?”
Him: “I dunno, I’m not picky. 6:30, 7?”
Me, *to myself* “damn, that’s specific”
Me, into the phone, “Yes, table for two for 6:37.”
Geesh you avoid someone for 6 months and right away they assume you ghosted them.
When my wife packs for a trip she basically moves out.
I have decided to keep my uncomfortable home office chair
This encourages me to spend less time in it
Mosquitoes be like “I know a spot” and then bite me in on that one part of my back I can’t reach
Whenever I lose my mind, I always look
for it in the refrigerator first