Do you have any candy? NEXT!
Do you have any candy? NEXT!
Do you have any candy? NEXT!~Me. Speed dating.
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Very few people will notice the possum in this picture because they’re so good at hiding
“Would you like to volunteer for the plant sale?” the PTA mom asks brightly.
“I can’t, I kill plants.”
I lean in & whisper:
“On purpose.”
4yo: mommy, can you make me popcorn when you are done sitting?
Me: {gets into a more comfortable position} sureee!
*opens facebook messenger*
*sips mtn dew twice*
*strokes neckbeard*
*begins typing*
Sorry abt ur mom dying
Tis a shame
Btw ur attractive
I like telling people to “grow up” because even if they hate me I can visit them ten years later and say “Took my advice I see”
7: Mama, are you lonely when we go to bed?
Me: (Handle this like a great mom. Get the look off your face. Don’t laugh.) Of course, sweetie.
Before marriage: fantasizes spending life together.
After marriage: fantasizes spending life insurance alone.
4-year-old: Will you ever love me more?
Me: I already love you as much as I possibly can.
4: I’d love you more if you bought a pool.
I feel guilty about being Asian because I didn’t start playing the violin since I was born.
Walking near the square a woman stopped me to offer a free skin care sample. Then she accurately guessed my age range. Some nerve!
The asteroid..
A guy in line just asked me to hold his coffee and I’m like I’m not looking for anything serious right now.
My office is across the hall from my bedroom but I won’t let that stop me from blaming this snowstorm for making me late tomorrow
[on a date with a european]
Hmmm fascinating. Can you tell me about what 400 year old blood feuds your family is involved in?
Ground control: he says he loves you very much
Mrs Major Tom: what’s he done this time?
i’m a 10 (tion deficit)
[Speed Date]
Me: Hi. Could you show me on this Venn Diagram where alcohol & donuts overlap in your daily life?
Him: I..
Me: Too slow. NEXT!
[Eulogy]
Bicyclist’s Widow: He died doing what he loved; Shouting that he had the right of way.
ME: sorry for the hold-up
TELLER: but you didn’t make me wait?
ME: *pulling a gun* haha no I’m Canadian
You can only send, “I hope this email finds you in a pineapple under the sea” like 3, 4 times before they’ll fire you
Just shattered the neighbour’s window trying to separate two frozen burger patties with a butter knife.
Flex on your dinner host by excusing yourself mid meal to go take a bath
[at the gym]
PERSONAL TRAINER: have you exercised at all in the past?
*flashbacks to holding my gut in for the past ten years*
ME: totes
Apple has solved laptop theft by making them obsolete by the time thieves get out the door.
You can’t be the most good looking one at any wedding because you can’t compete with how great the food looks.
Doctor: A healthy serving of red meat is the size of a deck of cards.
Me: So… no more than 52 slices of roast beef?
Dr: I hate this job.
Trapped on a train in the snow, and honestly, none of these people look appetizing.
Baking is just science you can eat.
Virgo: Today fortunes will be reversed! You will abduct an alien and none of its friends will believe you.
[construction site]
NEW GUY: can i use your hammer
OLD TIMER: no it’s mineFOREMAN: guys remember we’re building a mcdonalds
NEW GUY: can i use your mc hammer
OLD TIMER: u can’t touch this