Caffeine is bad for you, fat is bad for you, sugar is bad for you. But don’t worry, because worrying is bad for you too.
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Karl’s toupee isn’t fooling any one
Don’t think I won’t spin around and French kiss you if you’re standing too close to me in line at the liquor store.
How many vintage novelty sweaters does a grown woman need? Apparently just one more
Between hating pork and launching themselves into enemy structures, Al Qaeda were the original Angry Birds.
I was a professional waxer for four years till the law shut me down for naming my shop Smoothie King.
Whoa 😂
boss: you’re fired
me: [slamming fist on couch] you woke me up for this?
Wife: I just wanted our honeymoon to be special.
Me holding 2 Nintendo64 controllers: Me too, but you need to hurry and pick a character.
The best books are the ones that no matter how many times you burn them or bury them in the woods, they always wind up next to your bed.
Son, your father and I have something to tell you – you were adopted. Your new parents are waiting outside in the car.
this is me not knowing my powerpoint presentation was not showing up on the screen but my wallpaper instead
Guy doing yoga
Me: Poser!
Trainer: What’s the most intense part of your work out?
Me: Getting into my sports bra.
Marriage vows in the future will include things like “During pandemics, I promise not to judge how many glasses of wine you drink.”
Disney’s Aladdin taught me that as long as you have a foundation of lies, actual magic, and one of you is rich, a relationship can work.
when someone tells me love is in the air 😷
Me: So my car made a noise and..
Mechanic: That’s gonna be expensive.. I can tell already.
Just been to the gym and there’s a new machine. Only used it for an hour, as I started to feel sick. It’s good though. It does everything: Kit-Kats, Mars Bars, Snickers, etc.
The kids left w/my parents for a week. I plan to run around the house for an hour yelling “woo hoo”, but after that my schedule is wide open
Hubby: You were grumpy yesterday.
Me: So, you’re grumpy every day.
Hubby: At least I’m consistent.
In the 2020 Little Mermaid, Ariel decides to stay underwater.
police sketch artist: you sure his ears were this long
me: i thought we were doing a silly one
It should be illegal for ATMs to show you your balance without your consent
FRIEND: What’s your favorite underground band?
ME: Hmm…The Beatles
FRIEND: They’re not really considered underground
ME: Half of them are
Purgatory is like approaching a flashing stoplight. The light at the end of the tunnel is blinking and no one knows what to do.
Me: It’s sweet how my cat sits on my chest to comfort me when I’m sick in bed.
Cat: I think I’ll eat the eyes first.
[amazon dropping off my order]
Me: yes! my new recliner arrived!
Cat: yes! my new scratch pad arrived!
Me:
Cat: Tomato Tomahto
ME: Your lizard keeps biting me.
THEM: That’s a cactus
OH GOOD!
My child is tall enough to reach light switches.