They keep saying “Our system does funny things sometimes” and I told them “You understand you’re the credit card company talking to a customer, right, you probably shouldn’t tell me stuff like that.”
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If life gives you lemons, remember that they are the result of humans crossbreeding bitter oranges with citrons and do not occur naturally. Therefore life never gave you any lemons to begin with; we made them up.
Every time I eat a banana in public, a stranger offers me money to do it in private.
I ate 32 bananas today & made $725.
I have diarrhea.
Everyone should release their taxes because I cannot read them understand them anyhow
Don’t touch that.
I made a mistake. Then I ate that mistake and made more. I made so many mistakes that I had leftovers. Soon, a freezer full of mistakes. You’ve stopped making mistakes? Here, have some of mine. I’ve got plenty.
Girl are you a prescription from my doctor ’cause you might be good for me but I can’t read you at all.
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
My fitness app is exchanging me for a human that works properly.
I don’t like to brag, but we just threw my 5-year-old a birthday party and nobody cried.
Little known fact: the eye is actually the least dangerous part of the entire tiger
✌🏽
[tries to take a selfie]
Phone: NOT ENOUGH SPACE.
[deletes a bunch of photos]
Phone: still tho… don’t.
*sad ghost floats straight through the wall, the sofa, the table, the tv*
me: why so glum, ghost?
ghost: i’m just going through some stuff
*remembers company is coming*
*checks all the garbage cans, switching out Walmart bags for real trash bags like some sort of rich person*
[Wheel]
_’D L_K_ TO SOL__ TH_ P_ZZL_
I’d like to solve the puzzle, Pat
Go ahead
I’d like to solve the puzzle
Yes, go ahead
No, I’d like to..
Everyone knows you save the leftover wrapping pieces to make patches to cover the end of the box where the gift wrap shrank.
A lady just walked into Taco Bell, dumped every hot sauce packet in her bag and left. I should follow her. What’s the rest of her day like?
them: i hate answering emails
me: yeah, it’s the worst
them: let’s just have a meeting
me: wait
With all the ghosting these days you’d think there’d be more documented ectoplasmic incidents.
Told my wife “I’m not mad, I’m disappointed” and now she’s not mad, she’s furious.
space horror is the best horror. what’s out there? no one knows! big rocks. creepy things. sticky things. math! stuff on fire. big holes. big holes with math in them.
Probably the best newspaper correction ever
#BritishSausageWeek
My 4yo asserts dominance by aggressively putting snacks in my hand so she can take dance breaks
[months from now]
CDC: aight it’s safe to go outside
Me: *now fluent in 6 languages, daily phone calls with grandma, black belt, 8 hours+ sleep each night, skin looks AMAZING, befriended a spunky spider under the fridge* are…are you sure?
Yesterday I wrote an email to a customer named Trish where I apologized profusely, took ownership of our mistakes, and explained we would do anything to correct the situation. I averted disaster two seconds before I sent it when I saw my typo in the first two words, “Dear Trash,”
YouTube DIY videos be like “turn this $1 pallet into a beautiful dining table with 14 thousand dollars worth of tools”
My daughter made me out to be the villain because I wasn’t going to let her eat a stick of butter for breakfast. Like I was saving it just for me
I finally ordered Life Alert. I’m not old I just do a lot of stupid shit
Why must I prove that I am me to pay my bills over the phone?
Do strangers call to pay my bills?
And if they do, why don’t you let them?
Was gonna go to the gym but then I checked Twitter. In 2009