Paris Hilton’s chihuahua Tinkerbell died yesterday. Purses are being held at half-mast.
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If Usain Bolt ever becomes a zombie we are all screwed.
Women are scary.
Take me, for example…I said goodnight to a guy, weeks ago, and he’s so afraid to say the wrong thing, he STILL hasn’t replied.
My graphics card. The graphics.
card I need to
play Tekken 8
Me *swallowing 4th wet t-shirt* this contest is hard
somebody posted a photo of a cat on nextdoor asking who’s cat it was and so far six people have claimed him
*on toxicology phone consult in middle of the night*
doctor: ok thanks for all your help
me: no problem, have a good one
doctor: love you bye
me:
doctor:
me:
doctor: i’m married
me to a cat or dog: and are you the best baby? the fluffiest? are you the babiest baby of them all? do you get stopped every day and asked about how it feels to be a baby?
me to a real, human baby: good afternoon. i appreciate your small shoes.
sorry I didn’t answer when you called, I had 6 Peeps in my mouth
Me: if you strike me down, I shall become more powerful than you can possibly imagine
7-11 Clerk: look man, we’re out of hotdogs, idk what to tell you
I’m really tired of the LED headlights on some cars. Like I’m really glad you can see 92 miles ahead but the rest of us are blind now.
Just when you think you’re getting a real break from socializing, someone organizes a drive by honking parade.
Only cowards need to take bath salts to bite a stranger’s face
That awkward moment when someone says “stop”, and you don’t know whether to respond with “collaborate and listen” or “hammer time.”
Coffee is ready.
Her: I still think that’s a stupid name for a dog
Me: how dare you, I named him after my grandfather
[Earlier]
Me: aww looks like Grandpa has the zoomies
they should hide prizes in more boxes than just cereal, I’d love to reach into my laundry detergent and find a colour changing spoon
My husband said he needed his shirt ironed, so like a good wife, I brought him the iron and he asked for the ironing board too. We have an ironing board?
My daughter is late coming down to breakfast. Her 3 strips of bacon are getting cold. I mean 2 strips. Sorry, 1 strip. She’ll have cereal.
WAITRESS: Let me clear this up for you.
ME: Thanks.
WAITRESS: [to my date] He’s not ready for anything serious right now.
I rode in the back seat with my baby until she was big enough for a front-facing seat because she cried not being able to see me.
It made it hard to drive but the peace and quiet were worth it.
How can you tell when a duck is a witch?
The only thing more satisfying than doing big yard projects yourself is paying someone to do it while you occasionally watch out the window.
*cutting the sleeves off a snuggie and calling it a thuggie*
I have no sympathy for people who leave their car doors unlocked then complain when they find me sleeping in the backseat.
tfw you’re leaving the party but nobody notices
Daughter: Here you go!
Me: You’re my favorite.
Son: Yesterday, you said I was your favorite!
Me: Yesterday, you were closest to the remote.
My safe word is “insufficient funds”.
My 9YO told me she didn’t think I was allowed to watch an R-rated movie because you have to be “at least 70” to watch that and I’m just like hell yeah she thinks I’m under 70.
Me, at the arby’s drive-thru: i didn’t hear you, can you repeat that?
arby’s cashier: {yelling} can you turn your police siren off?!
any site can be a dating site if you use it incorrectly