Don’t mess with me. I will pull on one of your hoodie strings to make them uneven.
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To sell their vehicles one company is featuring a heart felt country ballad, “I’ve got a heart like a truck.” So, if you live in the suburbs do you have a heart like a four door sedan?
“How is tofu made?”
Well, when an edamame loves an edadade very much….
Heroic Misunderstanding
Breaking news:
Yes, it might be the wrong word but at least it is spelled correctly
– autocorrect
Sure, I’m on the keto diet.
The keto my happiness is carbs.
remember: knives and alcohol don’t mix. knives are solid they don’t mix with anything. why where you trying to drink a knife anyways idiot
Do people who happily announce their pregnancy know they are going to be stuck with a baby afterwards?
If you’re a home repair guy a good business strategy is to follow guys home from Lowe’s after they buy a power washer and drop your business card in their mailbox.
COMMENCE ANNIHILATI… Sorry, wrong notes, that’s tomorrow’s speech. Here’s the right one: You have nothing to fear from Project Omega …
Me: We’ve been in lockdown for two months now and we’ve simply run out of conversation.
Satan: And that’s why you summoned me?
My wife: Yeh.
Satan:
Me:
My wife: So… how are you?
I’m just a girl
standing in front of a pizza
asking it to not have carbs.
uber needs to start showing pictures of drivers’ cars rather than their model name… does it look like i know what a nissan sentra expecto patronum excel spreadsheet 2008 is
How to Get a Girlfriend: Out at Sea
Me: *rocks boat*
Her: Hey!
Me: *rocks faster*
Her: Can we PLEASE go steady?
Me: I do.
it is time once again. all hail the thanksgiving tube
Me: oh and I forgot to tell you…
My kid to his friend: you go on ahead, this is going to take a while
Heard covid makes everything taste like lacroix. I am now wearing seven masks
[tries to walk into my How to Use a Revolving Door class and ends up outside again] what the heck
My kid drew all over my kitchen counter with permanent marker
Classic case of counter terrorism
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why is the fattest holiday character the one that goes down the chimney?
I accidentally rubbed some ketchup in my eye. Now I have Heinz sight.
Finally all the people in the White House are being polite. They are all running around saying “pardon me.”
Was standing in my front yard last night and some neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
I need someone to pretend they’re coming round, so I will burst into life and actually clean this stupid house.
Act normal. Act normal. Act normal. ActnormalactnormalactnormalACTNORMALDAMNITactnormal
*looks at 4 children*
“You leave me no choice.”
*eats last 3 cookies*
modern skincare be like “the best way to have good skin is to destroy the skin you already have. here put some acid on it, burn that shit right off”
Twitter is like a dog: There’s always someone who loves you for you… there’s also always someone who just peed in an inappropriate place.
Breaking news:
Of all the things we should be thankful for at this time of year, not being a turkey is probably the main one.