A ballerina walks into a barre. Embarrassed, she splits.
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me: ugh I hate when the bank is crowded like this
[outside]
getaway driver: did he just get in line
Whenever I’m house sitting for a friend on vacation I replace each item of their clothing with the exact same thing but two sizes smaller.
A very sad, cold hearted person sent an anonymous letter to my wife stating I was having an affair with a woman friend. I wasn’t. What has happened in their life to make them do that? However, the fact my wife and daughter thought it was so preposterous was really annoying.
My 5yo won an argument with me by saying “I’m just going to agree with myself”
Doctor: We need you to spit in this cup.
Me, making unbroken eye contact: Ptooey.
People:
I’m leaving Twitter, no telling when I’m coming ba…
I’m back.
KFC: A secret blend of 11 herbs and spices
Me: Does that include salt and pepper?
KFC: Blend of 9 secret herbs and spices
Time zones are amazing! Here in New Zealand it’s tomorrow, in America it’s yesterday and in North Korea it’s 1980.
[puts puppy in microwave]
[googles instructions for making hotdogs]
[quickly releases puppy from microwave]
*slips the IHOb waitress a twenty* Bring me pancakes and make it look like an accident.
Who called it a “Monk that can dunk” instead of an “Air Friar?”
The children were nestled
all snug in their beds
until they had to pee
get a drink
show me they can whistle
and ask me if birds have teeth.
My dentist plays country music, so it’s like a double torture.
My favorite thing to do when my grandkids visit is to bake a big batch of fresh cookies.
Then I eat them all by myself.
Screw those kids.
Hear me out. Organ harvest festival.
a man walking his kids to school told me to “keep going” as I was running past as if I was about to lie down on the tarmac and give up without his intervention
It’s “Bring Your Kids To Work Day” and all my cats are fighting in the break room.
– What have you come as?
– A Werewolf.
– But… they’re your normal clothes.
– It’s not a full moon.
Rude lady to me, “Well I’m sorry but you don’t LOOK sick to me.” Me, “Looks can be deceiving. For example, you don’t look stupid.”
Using Romeo & Juliet to express how inlove you are is like using Hamlet to show how close and well adjusted your family life is.
Accidentally went to Rouge One instead of Rogue One. Boy is my face red.
Calories in one pistachio: 4
Calories burned opening one pistachio: 2,753
Take that, kale.
They’re a pack of lions
He’s some guy who hates lions
Together, they’re:
PRIDE AND PREJUDICEThis fall on CBS
I didn’t survive various alcohol poisoning events in the 90’s just to get taken out by a virus
Teaching my kid math like:
If swimming lessons start in 3 minutes and the pool is 10 minutes away, how late are we going to be?
[gym]
me: please wipe that down when you’re done
guy at urinal: what
Why buy it for $7 when you can make it yourself with $92 worth of craft supplies.
Kids are fun if you enjoy saying things like, “read the room,” only to have someone start reading literally everything there is to read in said room, out loud.
Every day I try to learn from the mistakes of people who took my advice.
It’s a gaggle of geese, a murder of crows, a pod of whales and a thrift store of hipsters.