Dusting the thermostat for fingerprints.
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“Knock knock”
“Who’s there?”
“Pizza”
“My new boyfriend who?
“No. Pizza”
“My future husband who?”
“No.”
“Playing hard to get who?”
Your Honor, my client argues that juggling chicken nuggets while driving is actually a skill.
Interviewer: do you have any final questions?
Me: HYPOTHETICALLY, what happens to people who drink on their lunch breaks?
If history has taught me anything, it’s that the person with the loudest, wettest cough will always sit down beside me in a waiting room.
I remember a short time in my life when I didn’t like hot dogs. 5 is a challenging age.
i catch her eye from across the room
she smiles
i make my way thru the crowd
we meet
“hi”
hi
“here’s your eye back”
thanks nice catch
Apparently when you donate blood, it has to be YOUR blood.
Poop your pants one time and suddenly you’re banned from the MacDonalds ball pit
I have a picture of my uncle standing on a tank he and two buddies destroyed in WWII. I cut my fingernails too short and I might stay home.
*holding a toilet plunger at 7am* Oh I don’t know. How do you THINK today is going?
The real power of a man…
Is the size of the smile on his woman’s face sitting next to him.
Pretty much. 🤣
wife calling me in the grocery store: where are you???
me: i’m over in the cereal.
wife: but i’m in the cereal aisle.
me: *whispers* open the box.
No, autocorrect, I’m not “pooping” popcorn. Not now anyway. Later, yes, but I don’t plan to text about it.
Me: My point is that every day brings fresh carnage, and there are new horrors around every corner.
Grandson: Read it how my mommy reads it.
Sorry I commented “yikes” on that pic of your baby you posted on facebook.
*Do you wish to send?
*Are you sure?
*For real?
*Have you been drinking?
*Really?
*What time is it?~How my send button should function
my kid thought that we eat kidneys and liver from humans
what scares me is that she didn’t care
Me: Have you showered & brushed your teeth?
16: Stop bullying me.
My daughter and I decided to play Monopoly, and we’ve been arguing about the rules for the last hour.
Get your kids Christmas pajamas so they’ll have something comfortable to fight in.
Piglet: *sees recipe book* Honey-glazed…Pooh, what’s ham?
WinniethePooh: A food that goes well with honey. Now, how about a nice hot bath?
Ultracrepidarianism is the habit of giving opinions & advice on matters outside one’s knowledge or competence.
Or, as I call it, tweeting.
losing my mind at my mom’s reply to my insta story
[reverse psychology résumé]
Education: Arcane
Experience: You can’t afford me
Special Skills: (redacted)
guys I’m going home
Kids: What’s for supper?
Me: Well, I didn’t have the ingredients to make a traditional Irish boiled dinner, so I’m just using what we’ve got.
[5 mins later]
Wife: WHY ARE THERE 6 HOT POCKETS BOILING ON THE STOVE
My next door neighbor is constantly blaring loud music by a certain white rapper, keeping me awake at night. He’s become my Eminemesis.
I want a job waking people up that I dislike.
Or I guess I could just get married
i know someone who thought the chorus to gangnam style was “open condom style”