got up early enough to go on a 10 mile run, lift weights, and stretch before having a healthy breakfast, i mean i didn’t do any of that but i definitely got up early enough to
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*aggressively skips to my Lou*
On bad days I like to take a pregnancy test to remind myself that things could be much worse.
King: the rebels are revolting
Rebels: wow hurtful why would you say that
King: no, no, I mea-
Rebels: why king
He isn’t credited for it but John C. McGinley competed on American Gladiators. There is no point in sharing this other than it being cool as hell.
I want to be more optimistic about aging but my 5 year old just found out I am 30 today and now she’s claiming the jewelry she wants to have when I’m dead.
If I ever had to turn myself in for a crime I would tell the cops I could describe the perpetrator and then see how long it took the sketch artist to figure it out
Every morning after I get out of the house, a bike comes out of nowhere and runs me over.
It’s a vicious cycle.
Three seasons into Game of Thrones, and I still can’t figure out why all the characters are named after psychiatric meds.
If I got stranded on a deserted island, I’d arrange rocks to form huge letters on the beach for rescue aircraft to read. It would say:
“THIS IS ACTUALLY FINE”
Everyone has that one vegetable that brings up memories of an ex
a gaggle of geese, a murder of crows, a genocide of seagulls, a holocaust of toucans
Went to a movie theater for the first time in two years over the weekend. It’s still the best nap that $24.99 can buy.
without fail i always get felt up by the tsa which is fine because air travel is expensive and i want my money’s worth
My toxic trait is drinking a giant cup of water and then getting on an hour and a half conference call
My son rolls his eyes when I use his lingo and that’s why I continue to do so.
[first date]
her : where do you see yourself in next 10 years?
me : at our daughter’s piano recital
I don’t know why HR tell me I’m not allowed to use the fire extinguisher unless there’s a fire, then get cranky when I start one.
I’m jealous of Gen Z for missing the era of the “cute top.” I once asked a forum about club outfits ideas and everyone said “jeans and a cute top” and I said “what’s an example of a cute top” and they all just laughed and told me to Google it
I looked at bright side once and it gave me the finger.
Gate agent: we’re going to have to check your carry-on bag
Me: why, are there no overhead spaces left on the plane?
Gate agent: no, there are. we just don’t like you.
One day, some dude was all “You know where we should save our money? Inside a statue of a pig,” and everybody went “That is a GREAT idea.”
Any job that calls u a rockstar just know they’re underpaying u
“Do you know what female deer are called?”
“Does”
“Sorry – does you know what female deer are called?”
Death be not proud. Death not so great with words, but happy to go out with any girl you want fix Death up with.
[first day selling houses]
me: shits about to get realty
You are right, 27 is “just a number” but I’m looking for a man, not a boy.
No offense.
PS: Save my number… just in case I change my mind.
[creation]
GOD: Let’s name some of you bugs
FLY: Me first!
GOD: Okay…Fly
FLY: Hell yeah!
BUTTERFLY: Now me!
GOD: Hmm…Butterfly
FLY: Sonuvab-
The urge to say “yeah you should do that”, especially when you have no clue.
[Second day in prison]
ME: *looking up from my signup sheet disappointedly* Guys you know I can’t play quidditch by myself
When the zombies finally come, I’m putting ”ORGANIC” stickers on all the vegans…
Y’know, to buy myself some time.