Hub: What’s this?
Me: A divorce jar. Every time we fight you put a dollar in & I’m a little closer to freedom.
Hub: *puts $100 in*
Me:…
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Her: so yeah i’m a palaeontologist, it means i know a lot about dinosaurs basically, do you have a favourite dinosaur?
Me: *visibly sweating* umm…umm…REPTAR.
Her: …
Me: …
Her: …like…like from rugrats?
Me: …he had a wagon
The next time I accidentally wear a red shirt to target I’m just gonna tell everyone there is a sale on deer meat in isle six
[FIRST DATE]
ME (Struggling to make conversation): …tell me about a time you worked well as part of a team.
The Facebook emojis are stages of dating-marriage-divorce
ten years ago we had Jason Shoes, Carl Shirt and Daniel Problem. now we have no shoes no shirt no problem welcom to dennys what can i get u
It was 80s day at my 8yo’s school so I told him to walk to school and be home before dark.
Americans are just Canadians that someone fed after midnight.
[emergency room]
NURSE: It seems you’ve swallowed an abacus?
ME: She told me it’s what’s on the inside that counts
WIFE: I hate you
Movie makers: keep them under 2.5 hours. Bladders everywhere will thank you.
The “I Voted” sticker should have a frowny face on it this year.
In case of an emergency, eat fried chicken.
Priest: tell me your confessions
Me: I said the f word twice this week
Priest: [70% sure I stole his meatball sub from the church fridge] anything else
Friend: Do you know karate?
Me: [wanting to sound cool but not overly cocky] I’ve heard of him.
I was worried my kids would never know the joy of a commercial break, and then we got Hulu
[PetSmart]
*approaches checkout with bird seed*
“that all for you today?”
Yes. How long does it usually take?
“For what?”
For them to grow
ME: Cant sleep. Theres too much going on in the world
MY WIFE: Whats bothering u?
ME: If Garfield didnt have a job, why did he hate Mondays?
[Looking round a museum]
ME: Hey Patricia, have you seen this pterodactyl?DATE: Yeah, but *smiles* you don’t pronounce the p
ME: Oh God I’m such an idiot! I feel stupid now, Atricia
me: “what is a librarian’s favourite food?”
dog:
me: “SHUSHI lmao”
dog: [starts putting his toys in suitcase]
[at daycare]
Me: I’m here to pick up my son
Daycare: what’s he look like?
Me: *points to my face*
D: oh. Ok
People always say reading romance novels will ruin dating for you like it’s a bad thing
By the time you reach 45, everyone becomes an expert orthopedist. “It hurts where? Yeah, that’s your medial hip flexor tendon maximus. I had that last year.”
Sick of your relatives? Just start coughing, they’ll clear out in no time
*limbos under the caution tape
Not all clowns are creepy. Many are just honest, hard-working operatives of Satan.
Heart: Go get her.
Mind: It’s so risky.
Body: Does this recliner vibrate?
Y’all tweet like you don’t know it only takes 2 doctors to commit you.
Can you rent a shark? It’s time sensitive
Why stop at clocks? I set my stapler forward an hour too. Told my shoes it’s Tuesday. My car still thinks it’s 1987.
GOOGLE: *please create password*
ME: *Giraffe_Neck*
GOOGLE: *password is too long*
ME: *The_Revenant*
GOOGLE: *password is too long*
ME: *CVS_receipt*
GOOGLE: *dude*
Screech up to a yard sale. Ask if they have any haunted amulets. Yell at the dog in your backseat, “I’m GETTING the spell reversed, Greg!”