The skeletons in my closet are making inappropriate sexual advances at the monsters under my bed!
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After what happened to Lance Armstrong I’m kinda worried they are gonna come after my bowling trophies
Meets girl at bar.
Takes her to Ikea.Quickly learns the difference between one-night stand and one nightstand.
[Dog Court]
Judge: How do you find the defendant?
Jury: We find the defendant, not a good boy.*dogs family in courtroom begins to cry*
Turbulence is when the airplane hits someone’s family photos backed up in the cloud.
Hey good news everyone : the history test I spent all night tossing and turning about, ended up being just a dream, as I graduated from high school 12 years ago
Girl A: We aren’t actually six years old. We’re six HUNDRED!
Girl B: Yeah. We look this young because we’re actually WITCHES and we take POTIONS to stay young!
Me: Right. But why would you choose to be 1st graders?
Girl B: Uh…
Girl A: It is possible we took too many potions.
I hate these new video games that make you talk to other characters. The fact I hate conversations is the reason I’m playing video games.
I’m always there for my friends when I need them.
Look dude, I’m going to need to see alot more chest hair and jewelry if you want into my Disco party
If your conservative parents piss you off over the holidays, come out to them. You don’t even have to be gay, it’s just a fun thing to do.
oh u like me? name 5 meds i take
Interviewer: Your resume appears to have a few holes in it
Me: Yeah that would be from the ferrets
Hello I am Tightbeard McShoulderchest and my favourite workout is standing in everyone’s way in front of the gym equipment checking my phone
Raised and lowered my arm today so my Fitbit will stop alerting people that I’m dead.
Prince: it’s taking an awfully long time to let down that hair
Curly-haired Rapunzel: (struggling with a straightening iron) be PATIENT
I came across an account that only tweeted about fedoras, so I reported him for hat speech.
“Why buy expensive fireworks when you can make your own with ordinary household chemicals?” I said, and the other patients in the ER agreed.
Based on this ideal weight chart, I should be big boned, 3 inches taller, and a man.
My nutritionist suggested I eat in front of a mirror in order to slow down and not eat as much and HOLY SHIT THIS IS SO SEXY.
Me: I look great today
Fluorescent lights: I can fix that.
Wouldn’t it be WAY weirder if Taylor Swift DIDN’T get all excited at her boyfriend’s games? Like, what if she just sat there, stone-faced?
What do Norse mythology and chastity belts have in common?
Asgard.
By substituting your morning coffee with green tea, you can reduce up to 94% of what little joy you had left.
[leaving a party]
HOST (holding 2 identical coats): which is urs
ME: does 1 have a corn dog in its pocket
H: ya
M (suspiciously): mine had 2
I taught the baby to say “help” instead of just yelling and now she says help like a Southern belle with the vapors
being a parent of toddlers means looking up, discovering scribbles on the ceiling, shrugging, and continuing to drink your coffee.
if you like christmas so much why don’t you merry it
Should I shampoo my carpet before using my air conditioner?
BRAIN: it’s 4am u up?
ME: leave me alone
B: who was our grade 5 teacher?
M: stop
B: why’s our eye itchy?
M: I’m ignoring u
B: engage bladder
I could have been the favourite Mistress of the Sun King at Versailles but nooooooooo I had to be born into late stage capitalism