Bummed about the early Scotland vote results. This was pretty much our best hope for seeing Shrek on a flag.
You Might Also Like
The one nice thing about your friends’ divorces is no one invites you to them.
this is your fault for setting him up with Medusa
I saw a guy walking 4 dogs this morning and thought, Wow!.. That guy must be really blind.
Me: [buys six boxes of Girl Scout Cookies outside store]
[Later]
Me [walking into house]: Hey I bought a box of Girl Scout cookies.
You gotta know when to tweet em
Know when to delete em
Know when to follow someone
Know when to run
Added some new forms of payment to this store…
meow
I got chased by two Canadian geese today. I know they were Canadian because when they realized I was genuinely scared, they apologized.
Five out of six people enjoy Russian Roulette.
Saw a store that has a sign that reads, “We treat you like family!”
Yup, NOT going in there.
Me:
How’s that chicken babe, too spicy?12:
Its not really spicy..Except on the way out
I have mixed feelings about birthdays, the aging sucks but I do quite enjoy using the day to manipulate people into giving me things.
I accidentally vacuumed up a live spider, so I did the right thing and returned the vacuum cleaner to Costco.
I asked my 5-year-old what she was on because she was having such a good time wiggling and being weird. She looked at me like she finally met the dumbest person in the world, “the couch.”
[hijacking a hot-air balloon] i have scissors
*viking dad at a funeral*
I don’t know throw a burning stick at it or something we don’t waste arrows in this family what you think I’m made of arrows
Maybe it’s time for a second child. The first one isn’t getting as many likes on Facebook now.
pisses me off when I’m taking a longer than average drink at the drinking fountain and someone says “hey save some for the fishes” when just before i’d filled up a bucket at the drinking fountain and drove it to the nearest lake and dumped it in there
in case you were wondering how things are going these days for the generation that attended kindergarten exclusively via zoom…
our 6yo has started surreptitiously playing wordle on his school-issued chromebook while in class and skyping us his score
Babies are okay if you’re into alarm clocks that poop.
I got married under the spiderweb at recess when I was in kindergarten. I just saw my ex with his new wife. I bet she doesn’t know he eats crayons.
Bikes are held up by witchcraft if u can ride a bike you are a level 1 wizard & if u can ride a unicycle you are a level 2 dork haha owned
Me: Waitress, can I ask you something about the menu please
Waitress [slaps my face]: The men I please, that’s none of your business
This intermittent fasting thing would be so much easier if I could just move the clocks ahead so willy nilly every day
me: I saw our neighbor walking his dog at 6 AM and he looked so unhappy
wife: maybe the two are related?
me: no, I think they’re just good friends
A hearty round of applause for Starbucks, please.
Accurate description of my life right now. My fitness instructor asked me,what type of squat are you accustom to doing?
I said ‘diddly’
When the ex saw 2 wine glasses in my sink, I hope he thought, “she shared a bottle w/ a hot guy” not “drinking alone 2 nights in a row”
I yelled “STOP EATING CAT TURDS OR IT WILL HURT WHEN YOU POOP!” & my dog stopped eating, so if you need a motivational speaker contact me
[bed]
ME: [with one foot poking out of the covers] Monsters could get me
ME: [pulling foot under covers] I am now completely safe