Damn, I just realized that my employees do their jobs in order to get paid, and not out of any sense of family or loyalty to the company. Has anyone else heard of this phenomenon??
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ALIEN: take me to ur leader
ME: ok
[later at zoo]
A: wtf
M: a lemur
A: I said leader
M: well ur ship is so loud I couldn’t hear a damn thing
5-year-old daughter: Barbie is mad at Ken.
*pushes their faces together*
Me: Did they kiss and make up?
5: No. She headbutted him.
me: I thought you would like it
grandpa: why would you think that
hospice clown: I should go
crazy how many people don’t know they’re in a polyamorous relationship.
At my daughter’s 4-year checkup, the doctor said she should be eating a varied diet and to make sure she’s eating a good amount from each food group and I think she said a bit about trying new foods but not sure cause I got distracted wondering if she’d ever actually met a 4yo.
this… may be the greatest story ever told
Several of my internal organs hurt, but I’m 100% sure it’s not my body trying to tell me something.
Monica just destroyed the internet
My kids locked me out of the house when I was taking the trash bins to the curb.
Don’t threaten me with a good time. I won’t come back
I can’t wait for this whole ordeal to be over, so my favorite pizza place can go back to rubbing their bare hands and feet all over my pizza before delivering it to me, like the good Lord intended.
Roses are red, violets are blue, vodka costs less than a dinner for two.
The only thing I’ve learned from scary movies is to avoid pale children
If you’re a squatter, every day is leg day.
if at first you don’t succeed that’s so embarrassing why are you so bad at this
All I’m saying is, the minute Canada starts refining its maple syrup reserves into weapons-grade Aunt Jemimium, we’re all French toast.
-Someone keeps phoning up pretending to be my grandmother. It’s a prank, I don’t know what else to call it.
-Shenanigan?
-Don’t you start.
I can’t divorce my husband right now. I just ordered a new cabinet from Ikea.
The host of the UK Apprentice sounds like the villain a toothpaste company’s marketing department came up with
“You should only have to tell them once”
– People with no children
[sees my dentist in the store]
*really loud fake phone call voice*
me: ya I’m just picking up some floss cause I ran out probably because I floss every day idk
I put the dog’s drugs in peanut butter so she’ll take them. She loves peanut butter cuz she thinks it tastes good AND it gets her high.
ME: I’m much better thinking outside the box
PRISON GUARD: Still no
I hate when I give people nicknames like “stupid face” on my phone and I cant remember who the stupid face is.
I’ve had no formal martial arts training, but I know for a fact the Power Rangers are wasting too much energy on unnecessary summersaults
When a relative asks me what I’m doing with my life, I tell more lies than a guy at a computer whose wife just asked him what he’s doing.
How am I supposed to sleep now that I’ve realized 125 people have watched a video of me drunkenly making nachos?
…. And they didn’t even like it.
[turns to date during movie where bank robbers laugh & toss money around motel room] They won’t be laughing when it’s time to pick it all up
[narrating a commercial for therapy]
“For a 100 bucks an hour we’ll blame your mother.”
[caught sneaking spaghetti into a movie theater] It’s OK, I have a medical marinara card.
My sister made pancakes and after devouring 5 of them, she tells me
“It rises in the yeast and sets in the waist” 🙆🏾♀️🙆🏾♀️