Might start a YouTube channel “will it hurt if i drop it on my foot”
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The lady helping my wife design a dining room table handed me a note reading “blink if you’re being held against your will”
look. life is bad. evryones sad. we’re all gona die. but i alredy bought this inflatable boumcy castle so r u gona take ur shoes off or wat
“I didn’t come here to argue.”
– people who definitely came to argue.
You say tired, I say challenge.
-A toddler at bedtime.
I forgot the word “torch” earlier today so I googled “fire on a stick.” I have two degrees in English.
*bends over to pick a four leaf clover but gets struck by a falling ACME safe before doing so*
Remember if a company says “we’re like a family here” they don’t mean like a nice TV family they mean like a normal family where everyone has undiagnosed mental health issues and no one likes each other.
“I DON’T WEAR PANTS ON THE WEEKEND!” – I shout out to everyone at the grocery store as the officer bundles me into the back of the police car.
I used to tell customers that Chilean wine was good because the country is geographically so narrow, the vines have to be grown in single file, giving maximum exposure to the sunlight
Here at the Southern Cannibal Buffet, it’s y’all you can eat!™️
Imagine how much more useful Superman would’ve been if he’d helped people move their heavy furniture instead.
my daughter brought home a drawing from preschool today and when i asked enthusiastically “honey, did you draw this???” she replied “someone else did but i took it”
Every time I find a new gray hair I text my mother to tell her I’m calling it one of the many grandchildren names she passive aggressively suggested to me over the years.
As my friend Joe’s last wish I had him cremated and sprinkled his ashes into the coffee pots at work..all morning everyone had a cup of Joe
Twitter’s new verified account policy says that fictional characters aren’t eligible but all the Muppet accounts still have their blue checkmarks, confirming what I’ve suspected for years.
I meant to type “I look forward to seeing you soon.” Unfortunately, one of our biggest clients is going to receive an email that ends with “I look forward to seeing you poop.”
if you prick your finger by accident and suck on it, you become your own blood brother & you have to take care of yourself no matter what
If your mailbox isn’t made of tractor parts and your house doesn’t have a septic tank, you’re not allowed to like country music.
I don’t make the rules.
Tequila be like “I know a spot” then take you here
Your attempt to intimidate me with your knuckle cracking is a waste of time, I’m quite aware it’s a gas bubble between your bone & joint.
[buying a USB cord at Best Buy]
that’ll be $29.99
[buying a USB cord off Amazon]
here, take 5 cords for $4.99 and I’ll throw in a free horse
My credit card was confiscated three days ago.
Jeff bezos just called to make sure I was okay.
My daughter said she wants to run away. We talked. She knows she can walk. I wont chase her.
They say a long, tight hug releases endorphins to make you feel calm and happy.
I think the guy in front of me at this DMV would disagree.
Bring a toddler to your next robbery. Their smudgy fingerprints everywhere will make the forensics team cry.
*at museum*
Date: this place is so cool, what’s your favourite exhibit here?
Me: I like the room with all the fluffy things
Date: the what? Wait do you mean the coat room? Dude they have spaceships and all sorts here
Me: *staring into muddle distance* so much fluffy
Nice try, operating instructions. Nice try.
I’ve got this.
*grabs a hammer*
NO, I will not come get candy from your van, Im not craz..
Oh cookies? Hmm.
Double stuff?! You don’t say!
The white one w/ no windows? Sure!
You call what I just did walking into a wall. I call it looking for walls I can pass through and marking that one off the list.