When libraries troll their patrons.
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Honey, I’m afraid we can’t get married anymore. weed_hitler69 just told me I was gay.
*looks at Xbox*
Thank you sir. You’ve changed my life.
If you think January has been a big month for marches, you’re gonna lose your mind when you hear what the 3rd month of the year is called.
It’s amazing how soft hotel towels become after you wash them at home.
911?
~He’s eating Top Ramen!
911: Keep calm! Did he drain the water
~NO! He’s eating it like soup!
911: That’s fucked up
~I KNOW RIGHT
Carrots are a great thing to eat when you are hungry and want to stay that way.
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: What happened to the rest of my fries?
Me: When a man and a woman…
You know you’re from New Jersey when going through security & they only wand your hair!
I’m not going to bail you out is what my wife says every time I’m going to do something fun.
The worst scene in La La Land is when Emma Stone gives Ryan Gosling permission to save jazz because she already solved racism in The Help.
Million-dollar idea:
Upload your podcast to YouTube, but with a video of a generic-looking Zoom meeting, so people can tune in and pretend they’re working. It looks like important quarterly sales stuff, but it’s really The True Crime Murder And Makeup Tips Hour.
Every relationship needs boundaries…
….mine are set at 500 feet according to the paperwork.
microdosing bungee jumping by bending over to pick up a hair tie
*waving arms wildly* holy shit whose arms are these?!
*Sits straight up in bed*
“THE CHILDREN”*Kids are sitting in the produce department while two watermelons sleep peacefully in their beds*
“I CAME IN LIKE A WRECKING BAAAAAAALLL”
– me at 3:00am, drunk and naked, on my neighbor’s tire swing
Every parent: do you know how to get there? You just make a left then right then through 3 lights then a left and it’s a mile ahead on the right
Me: *nods as I type the address into google maps*
I support traditional marriage between a man and one of his own ribs.
Just broke a clothes hanger and now have seven years of bad outfits.
If a turkey got murdered, the chalk outline would look like a giant preschooler’s hand.
Government Shutdown: Day 4
3am: Monkey House, National Zoo
A door crashes open.
A triumphant screech.Ben Stiller escapes into the night.
“Well butter my biscuit”
-The Pillsbury Doughboy receiving a compliment
This place is like batting practice with tomatoes.
My stylist: How much fabric do you wanna wear?
Me: Yes.
A Freudian sitcom would be How I Meant Your Mother
I have 7 TV controllers on my coffee table. All are decoys.
The real controller stays on my person at all times.
[during sex]
her: choke me
me: {drops a popcorn kernel into the back of her throat}
When a meteorologist gets angry they storm out
FBI Agent: You’re accused of attempting to hijack a Mentos truck & drive it into a Diet Coke bottling plant
Me: …
FBI: …I kind of want to see that
Me: I KNOW, RIGHT?!
LITTLE RED RIDING HOOD: grandma what big eyes you have
WOLF: u really think I look like ur grandma? I should eat u just for that u dumb shit
*rolls out of bed*
*rolls into other strategically placed bed*
“Nice.”