When a band has Z’s where S’s should be in their name, I’m like, “Woah, watch out! These bad boys aren’t playing by society’s rules.”
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Day 4 of quarantine: I’ve gained 796 pounds.
best first i’ve ever seen
[First date]
Me: What do you prefer, flat or sparkling?
Him: Water?
Me: No, my personality.
*adds alone time to my Amazon wishlist*
Heroic fire saves man from having horrible house
Yes, let’s group-edit this 3 page Word doc line-by-line on a conference call. That seems efficient.
my fiancé and I started a baby jar & every time someone asks when we’re going to have kids we put a dollar in & when the jar is full we will spend it on whatever we want bc we don’t have kids
I’m not saying Coke is better, I’m just saying I’ve never heard anyone order a Jack and Pepsi.
Me: How much for the snake hamster?
Pet Store Clerk: That’s a ferret
Parents: It’s unfair to put your toddler on a leash if you’re not going to also let them pee next to parked cars.
When is a robot gonna take over my job? Please?
[solar eclipse]
SUN: OMG everyone’s taking my picture today, they must love me! Do I look ok? Hope nobody photobombs me
MOON: Hold my beer
them: do you think about other people when you have sex
me: when I have what now
In first grade when I’d tell my parents what I learned in class and they’d act amazed, I’d think “Shouldn’t you know this shit already?”
I woke up today with what appears to be a spider bite. I better get super powers or I’m going to be pissed.
dentist: when did you last floss?
me: just last week
dentist: you know i went to school for this, right? i can see that’s not true
me: sorry, i meant yesterday
dentist: what?
me: i mean i’m flossing right now
dentist:
me: ow my gums, they hurt exactly the normal amount
Person: I saw an eagle on my hike today.
Me: Was it Don Henley?
At my funeral, please make my dead body do the ‘walking down stairs behind a couch’ into the grave
My family doesn’t have a swear jar, but we do have a totes perf jar. If you say totes or perf, we throw a jar at you
when ppl hold the baby and the baby cries & parents say “oh he’s just tired,” we’re lying, the baby really does hate you
genie: you get three wishes
me: i wish you were terrible at math
genie: ok you’re out of wishes
me: wait no
Planning sweet revenge on my wife: Once she’s napping, I’m gonna burn the shit out of some popcorn
Walked into the kitchen and saw my wife laughing while putting a banana in the garbage disposal so I think I’ll sleep in the other room.
Is there any rejection more humiliating than when you try to tickle someone and it doesn’t work
(Item doesn’t scan)
Me: Does that mean it’s free?
Cashier: You’re literally the 100th person to use that line today.
Me: Does being the 100th person to use that line today mean I get it for free?
Bloggers be like, “5 Reasons Why Breathing Air is Good For You”
It really doesn’t feel like Christmas until Pavarotti is singing “Oh Holy Night” to the counterpoint of my wife shouting at the cats to get out of the tree
*watching a billionaire above me burn 300 gallons of fuel flying to applebees* oh no i didn’t bring my own bag to the store
Yet another unrealistic beauty standard smh
I looked at a shelf once online and now every ad is like “SO YOU LIKE SHELVES??????” and everywhere i go i think a shelf is following me