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interviewer: so mr long legs what are your qualifications for the position of web designer
spider: haha, mr long legs was my father, you can call me daddy
My Kid: (handing me balloons) Daddy, can you make balloon animals?
Me: uh…sure… I can make an eel, or a snake…
My Kid: I want a poodle.
Me:…or a worm…
My Kid: POODLE!
Money issues can seem overwhelming until you break it down and realize all you need to do is bring in a million times more per day. See? No problem.
Forget my browser history, when I finally pass from this earth, please delete my calculator history because it’s waaaay more embarrassing
Always look both ways before crossing a woman.
me: honey you need to embrace your flaws
wife: ok [hugs me]
Trying to support my wife’s fitness goals without coming across as ‘too’ supportive. “I’ll watch the kids if you wanna run on the treadmill. Not saying you need to…like only if you want to. Or do something different with that time cuz you’re perfect.”
wife: do u want a glass of water?
me: of what?
wife: water
me: a glass of what?
wife: oh my god. *sighs* earth soup
MS Office huh? So is there a *Mr* Office?
My wife must have some big surprise vacation planned.
She left a note by the bed telling me I had until tomorrow to have my bags packed.
*puts baby powder in a crib*
*adds water*
I want to see a movie about “Bottom Gun,” the worst pilots in the Navy.
Cows are vegetarians too, but you won’t hear them bragging about it on Twitter.
Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: “Does this taste funny to you?”
Married life is waking up early to preheat your wife’s car. Then taking $10 out her purse as a tip for your services.
How to make-out –
1. Hold her close
2. Kiss passionately
3. Don’t mention the budget deficit or your father
it must be school picture day
Me: [forgetting the word coconut] one hairy bowling ball please
[Watching Netflix]
ME: Ohhhhh…I never thought about paying off a funeral home to get rid of the body…genius.
HIM: What??
ME: What?
Birds do it & no one bats an eye. One time I shit on a windshield & suddenly it’s arrests & psych evaluations.
I haven’t prevented a single forest fire.
Is it possible that Smokey was talking to someone behind me?
On second thought, it was probably a bad idea to start my freestyle rap with “I like oranges.”
Easily distracted by chicken salad sandwiches
I’m Lactose Intolerant, which means I rarely find missing children.
I just convinced my toddler to play Rock Paper Scissors alone because she was cheating and she just quit against herself because she was cheating
Children; because how else could you collect teeth without seeming psychotic.
“Sorry, could I just squeeze by?”
<person doesn’t move an inch>
“Thanks”
Apparently asking the car salesmen how many people can fit in the trunk is a no no.
SINCERE STUPID QUESTION:
was peter parker funny and quippy like he is when fighting as spider-man BEFORE he got his powers also, or did he get some kind of enhanced spider-sense of humor?
ARE SPIDERS VERY FUNNY NATURALLY?
When people say I don’t mean to brag they’re bragging about not bragging.