The first rule of Minecraft club, is we do not talk about anything other than Minecraft!!
8-12yo’s apparently
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Waiter: Ready to order?
Friend: I’ll have the quinoa and grilled tofu lettuce wrap.
Me: I’ll take the MSG platter with a side of gluten.
I think I’m getting close to the age where sales people, internet and telemarketers think they can take advantage of you.
I can’t wait.
HER: I’m ending this
ME: why?
HER: you’re way too literal
ME: I promise I can change
HER: prove it
ME: *puts on a different shirt*
Him: Can you believe what’s going on in Egypt?
Me: Yeah…it’s crazy…I gotta go. Bye.
Me: *googles what’s happening in Egypt?*
“people on the internet are so unhinged” no that’s just people in general, the internet is just how you find out
My kid at 8am: Mommy!
Me: Yes, my love?My kid at 8pm: Mommy!
Me: WHAAATTTTTTTTTTTTTT NOWWWWW?!
Me: I want beer
Cashier: ok how much
Me:
Cashier:
Me: I want it so so much
“Never Gonna Give You Up” came on the radio & my 6yo confidently said, “I know who sings this!” Believing I had taught him well, my proud moment lasted 2 seconds until my son revealed his answer of Yung Gravy.
Relationship status – table for one but drinks for two
Your Honor, could we take a recess in this Zoom hearing? I need to break up a cat fight.
Just a reminder that nobody knew what was inside Willy Wonka’s factory when the contest happened. So people spent millions trying to find the golden ticket to witness what was most likely a standard assembly line operation.
Guys, the best way to keep your SO happy is to let her think she’s smarter than you, if you’re on Twitter she probably is anyway.
For Halloween I’m giving out razor blades with candy in them. These kids’ll be shaving away and then BAM – nougat everywhere.
My husband said we should have a ‘date night’
I wonder why he didn’t like it when I introduced him to my date? Husbands, go figure.
My grocery store keeps rearranging the produce section. If I need to work this hard to find bananas, there better be a damn tropical breeze!
You mean the stick figures on the back of your vehicle is not your kill count?
*slowly scrapes mine off*
nothing kills high school nostalgia faster than a scroll down your facebook feed
somebody seems to be trying real hard to get Gurt’s attention
This guy next to me thinks I’m flirting, but really I’m just trying to see where he parks so I can steal his gas
[wine and cheese]
HOST: Welcome, can I offer you a glass of wine?
370 RATS IN A TRENCHCOAT: We’ll start with the cheese thanks
The trick is to have a night time routine. Turn off the lights at the same hour. Always brush your teeth. No TV in the bedroom. Think about every person you’ve ever met and their opinion of you for no more than two hours. Consistency is key.
First date:
*don’t let her know you’re a tyranosaurus, don’t let her know yo..*
Her: So, what do you do for a liv-
*bites her in half*
As a child I thought that growing up I’d be challenged to rap battles way more often than has actually happened.
He asked me to use smaller words, so I pat him on the head as I said “bye-bye”.
“You’re just not my cup of tea” I say to someone else’s cup of tea.
Me: We should set up a play date
Hot dad at park: You have a kid?
Me: No, I said WE should
CAUTION:
Even if your wife uses dual a sim phone, save both the number under one name “WIFE”.Never save it as “Wife 1” & “Wife 2”.
Me: I look cute today.
Camera: No.
I want “Diet starts tomorrow” written on my tombstone.
do you guys have PC & cheese? i’m not really a mac guy