self care is telling yourself you didn’t hit the curb, the curb hit you
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I thought there was something wrong with my eye because the area around it was swollen but it was just my face getting fatter
I don’t trust my arms or legs like I trust my hips
my hips don’t lie but but the rest of my body parts are bullshiters
me: [on phone] I need a doctor’s appointment
receptionist: it’s going to be at least a month
me: ok I’ll hold
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
In Twilight, if Jacob just got some therapy maybe he could be a Self-Awarewolf
Cop *knocking on door* open up it’s the police!
Me: it’s ok, I haven’t done any crimes
Cop: The fashion police
Me *kicking my crocs off* shit
[first date]
Adam: *puts phone face down on the table* hey
Eve: interesting, are you afraid I’ll see a text from another woman
Adam: *rubbing the bridge of his nose* how could that even be possible
[blind date]
Him: “I’m a big Beethoven fan.”
ME *trying to impress him*
“Saint Bernards are my favorite dog breed.”
townsfolk: you should come to the festival
me: is this a normal “corny” festival or a “human sacrifice to ensure good harvest” festival?
townsfolk: which will entice you to be there?
me: oh i’m going regardless
Me: I know panty hose are a little dated but I love how they even out my skin tone
Bank Teller: So is this not a robbery?
Me: No, It is
When I get bored on a Zoom meeting, I put a cursor under the speaker’s nose to make it look like they have a booger.
The police sent me a photo radar ticket so I sent them a photo of a hundred dollars, so I guess we’re even.
When I was just a little girl, I asked my mother what will I be. Will I be pretty, will I be rich? Here’s what she said to me:
GO TO SLEEP.
I just drank an entire bottle of wine and feel the urge to help someone with math homework and declare that laundry piles are now furniture.
“Dad why’d u name me this?”
I named u after the greatest athlete to ever live
“Oh ok”
Now let’s go, Air Bud, we’re gonna be late for church
I tell jokes for free but my therapist still expects payment every time he sees me perform my one hour special
Me: “Now I lay me down to sleep. I pray the Lord my soul to keep…”
The Lord: “You still have that?”
Interviewer: “Why did you leave your last job?”
Me: “After coming back from vacation, all my passwords had expired. It was easier to resign than reset them.”
me: I know we’ve only been together a short time, but I made you a mixed tape
kidnapper: 😳
Sawing a hole in the bottom of a table to steal someone’s cake is way harder than it looks on cartoons.
Sometimes u see the moon during the day and it’s like, wow, how embarrassing. Showed up early because you were bored? Get a life, nerd moon.
One alternative to having kids is to hire two people to sit in your car and start a loud argument every time your favorite song comes on.
How did my operation go Doc?
Dr ;
What?
Dr ;
Omg I’ve only got half a colon?
My grandparents’ generation was so committed to vacation photos they’d flip their goddamn car and it would still be like “Marge, get in here.”
girlfriend: is crying
me, an empath: im sensing that you want me to go play playstation for a while
I’ve been wearing the same clothes for almost 7 years now because a girl wrote “never change” in my middle school year book.
Today Mother phoned asked me what I was doing . I said I was on Google maps and looking at her house .She asked if I could see her waving .
My head feels like something Picasso would have drawn.
Magician: I need a volunteer. [man stands] Not you. [woman stands] Not you. GARY GET UP HERE! [Gary goes up] We’ve never met before, right?
I don’t know Pete Davidson, but I’ve heard of his dad Harley.