I’m gonna pretend my dad didn’t abandon me but is actually on the missing Malaysia air flight and he’ll be back
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i used to store stuff in my bra bc i hated carrying a purse. this one time i was making out with a guy n he unhooked my bra and a bunch of shit clunked onto the floor. he stopped and was like “what is that?” and i was like “don’t worry about it” and he was like “is that a knife?”
so weird how every mom was born today
Flex on houseplants by drinking water whenever you want
One of the fun things about being married is your spouse stops asking what you want from take out restaurants.
You get what you got last time.
Want something else? Too bad. You should have ordered it last time.
wife: dont say anythin stupid on the way out
me: i wont
[shakes priest’s hand after lovely wedding ceremony]
me: so are you god’s boyfriend?
“jogging gives me endorphins”
so does shoplifting. jogging does not give you free mascara.
*at confessional
Priest: ‘Wait. Didn’t I forgive you for that last week?’
Me: ‘Please don’t make this any harder than it has to be.’
Me 7 hours into an 8 hour car ride: Do you want me to drive?
Husband:
If you are in a relationship and one of you has the better credit score. That is why they call it a significant other
(Sign-if-I-can’t )
Got a new stove today and then ordered a pizza because I don’t want to ruin it by getting it dirty or anything.
If Tetris has taught me anything it’s that errors pile up and accomplishments disappear.
Reporter: What can you tell us about the asteroid you recently discovered?
Astronomer: No, comet.
I did the universal sign for “call me” and my tween gave me a confused look and asked “on a banana?”
The real reason David beat Goliath is that when David threw a rock, Goliath threw scissors.
Oh no, my kid got upset at me and locked himself in his room. What ever will I do. Margarita anyone?
Mr. Trump, what will you do as President?
TRUMP: I’ll outlaw shredded cheese and only sell blocks
Why?
TRUMP: To make America grate again
Me: When do you install the lasers?
Lasik Surgeon: Ma’am that is not how lasik eye surgery works…
Me: So do they just shoot out my pupils, or…?
My 11 has all these girls texting him, and I’m so worried about him growing up too fast. I check his search history and I see “how to convince my mom to let me get a parakeet.”
I think I’m good.
Just replaced my mailbox with a trash can.
Sometimes a walk down memory lane is more of a blind, panicked sprint complete with windmill arms.
Unless you’re a female bat and you gave birth hanging upside down, I’m not interested in hearing about how your baby was born.
I love how my 4yo takes the time to stop what she’s doing to give me advice whenever I’m struggling, “maybe next time take the bread out of the oven before it burns.” That’s a good point, thanks.
i let my cat smell every wine i drink so she can get a job as a sommelier and help pay my rent
I was pretty sure you were the wrong kind of crazy. Then you used “luckfully” in a tweet and removed all doubt.
Saint Waddle is the patron saint of pancakes and ducks. She loved to flip the bird.
[sideline]
QUARTERBACK: I think we should run it. How about you?
COACH: Hmm…pass[huddle]
CENTER: Well?
QUARTERBACK: He refused to answer
*explosion walks away from me in slow motion
Today as a Random Act of Kindness, I wore a really tight sweater to work.
My 3yo said Cheese is her favorite place. I don’t know if I should be worried that she thinks cheese is a place or sad because it’s not.
Wanna come over? I have pizza and toilet paper