TEACHER: That’s the third time this week – please explain your tardiness
ME: Well, it basically means that I’ve been late
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People who have to keep a phone charger in the bathroom; have you heard of shredded wheat and raisin bran?
Pro-Tip: if you check yourself into the asylum you get a bed, good meds and three squares a day without having to do any chores.
I’ve named my cat “Before” & my chihuahua “After.”
It works better if I introduce them wearing a lab coat and clipboard, giggling.
Back on campus for the new semester and a younger fellow student asked me what I teach
I thought about poking him in the eye and saying “a lesson”
When you feel down about your job just remember someone at google was forced to type out the entire lyrics to Hey Jude.
me: tries to sleep.
clock: i think i’m going to karaoke in Morse code now.
HBO gave me unrealistic expectations about how many woman would be named Siobhan
Octopus – 8 arms
“Yes”
Octagon – 8 sides
“Yes”
Octuplets – 8 babies
“Yes”
October – 8th month
“No”
I’m burning this world down
She hasn’t tweeted in a while, so I guess I can stop sucking in my stomach.
her: wanna be my fwb?
me: friends with bacon???
her: …
constantly torn between wanting to eat snacks and wanting to look like one
[Everyday]
Me: The kids have been fighting for the last 10 minutes. You know what that means?
Hubs: what?
Me: that they have only been home for 10 minutes.
I don’t usually accept blood pressure medication as payment but these old dudes are desperate and I’m sober.
Just watched my husband flick a stink bug from the ottoman and I am not okay.
How many bugs have just been relocated and not removed?!?
A cooking competition where contestants make whatever they want but my husband wanders around the kitchen and stands in front of the drawer they need
*catwoman struggles into suit*
*catwoman realises she needs to pee*
*crie*
Rejected names for lumberjacks:
-Woodroberts
-Treedaves
-Logjeffs
-Forestbills
-Timberjims
Honest job interview:
“What are your strengths?”
“I put a lot of effort into looking like I know what I’m doing”
Me: you know, it’s only psychosis if it’s from the psychosuisse region of France. otherwise, it’s just sparkling delusions
Nurse: ma’am, it’s time for your medication
fool me once shame on you. fool me twice shame on me. fool me a third time this is a pretty good scam can i get in on it
Postcards are just weird. It’s like, “Hey everyone, feel free to read what I wrote to my aunt until it’s delivered to her house.”
sweetie, something about you tonight is driving me wild
Engaged couples should register for two of everything so it’s easier to divide stuff when they divorce.
interviewer: why do u want this job
me: i love health insurance
A wireless bra? They weren’t tricky enough, now I need a password?
Ken is short for chicken
Could’ve posed any goddamn way he wanted. Chose this.
“I found a stick… and it comes with a hat!” 😂💛
goldiesglobe
I moved to quick and my Fitbit asked if it should call an ambulance.
Took nephew out for lunch. The waitress asked what he’d like.
After a stunned silence, I explained ‘quiche’ was not pronounced ‘quickie’.