I just ate my weight in baked potatoes so if anyone has been thinking about robbing my house, now is the time to do it. I’m not moving anytime soon.
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If lemonade is made from lemons, what’s a colonnade made from?
Before we have sex, please select every image that contains a bicycle.
There is no bigger asshole than someone that takes an animal that can fly and puts it in a cage to stand on a stick.
The ironic thing about the original Scooby Doo adventures was that the only real supernatural phenomena they encountered was a TALKING DOG.
[party]
me: ugh who invited that guy, he’s so childishher: he’s 7 and it’s his birthday
I’m not an asshole. I’m just a guy who won’t tolerate stupidity unless it’s coming out of the mouth of a naked woman.
Person: I’m a spelling bee champion.
Me: Bee isn’t that hard to spell.
ME: I dislike myself
THERAPIST: That’s quite common
ME: Really?
THERAPIST: Yes, for example, I don’t like you
me: point taken lol
guy stabbing me: yeah see that right there is why this is happening
Never understood football. If I wanted to watch people run into each other I would just go to the mall on a Saturday.
cant believe language was invented. like everyone was chill and quiet and then one day someone just started saying some shit
My lighter has 2 options:
1. Nope
2. Flamethrower
*Makes joke on Twitter*
*5 Retweets*
*Makes same joke on Facebook*
*Loses job, girlfriend leaves me, disowned by parents, 1 Like*
I just remembered today is the day when a bunch of people tweet super bowel
TEENS: You might find yourself “embarrassed” by certain things your body is doing, when in fact, you should be ashamed.
Oh… Oh dear… it looks like my grandmother’s embroidered pillow may have stolen your tweet.
[gettysburg]
Abraham Lincoln: four score and seven years ago-
Me: wtf does that mean
Abraham Lincoln: 87
Me: say 87 then
I wonder if people in Fiji pay $6 a bottle for “American Water.”
her: i just feel so comfortable with you 🙂 like we met in a past life or something idk i know thats silly lol
me: *head throbbing, getting flashbacks to when I was a lizard and she was a kid who cut off my tail to see if it would grow back* no definitely not silly at all
I’m at the “my 7 yr old gave himself a hickey on his arm” part of the parenting journey.
Hashtag blessed.
i just ordered an RGB bulb for when i play music too loud and my mom says this is a house not a nightclub I’ll say i beg to differ
*wearing five finger condoms on both hands* ok time for some safe sexting
I knew my ex gf was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
The danger of me asking why people don’t like Taylor Swift’s new boyfriend is that someone might tell me.
A 12 year old posts a selfie, 37 RTs and 1013 likes.
I post a selfie, I lose 18 followers and my family disowns me.
My therapist doesn’t believe in werewolves so I left my last session with more problems than when I arrived.
Just realized I’ve never “axed” anyone a question in my whole life.
If you were forced at gunpoint to either watch ’50 Shades Of Grey’ or read the book, what type of gun would you prefer to be shot dead with?
[High Stakes Poker]
Dealer: Are you in or are you out?
Schrödinger’s Cat: [For the 20th time]
BOTH
[Player flips table]
My niece told me there was a cute guy checking me out at the coffee shop. So naturally I kept my head down when I passed him and banged my elbow on the way out